I don’t WANT to be an evil step mom, but…

Hi all. So this is gonna be a pretty vulnerable post, and I’m aware that I may receive judgment. So I just ask that you read it in its’ entirety.

There’s a little 8 year old girl in my life that I deeply care about. However, her behavior is out of control. She rages and screams at us, throws things, slams doors, purposely acts defiant and won’t ever let us be alone. She has a lot of anxiety and refuses to be in a room by herself even if the door is open. She has just now started sleeping by herself. In other words, very anxious and codependent on her father.

He disciplines her the way that he should. I’ve seen him give her lectures, ground her, put her in time outs, etc and yet she still does not listen and will disrespect the both of us. Her mom is not really involved, which I think is where a lot of anger and hatred stems from. Her mom is very inconsistent in her life so the daughter takes all of her wrath out onto her father and I. She thinks her mom is perfect.

The other day, she flat out told me I was not pretty, for absolutely no reason. We get along well and spend time together, so this was just so random. It was right after she saw her mom, and she wasn’t in the best mood but not ANGRY. We were just sitting watching tv and she randomly said this. So her dad grabs her hand and tells her to come upstairs, yelling at her that she was very rude and she instantly KICKS him between the legs. He falls down and is crying in a lot of pain. I tell her to walk away now and she flat out said she doesn’t need to listen me and is telling on us to her mom.

We have started therapy. She also has been diagnosed with “ADHD” however hasn’t been appropriately assessed by a child psychologist or psychiatrist. And we are really pushing for it because she’s very hateful, cruel, and violent. This isn’t the first time she has put her hands on someone and raged. She will scream at us if we even hug or kiss. Yes, I know that she’s probably jealous and possessive of her father since her mom hasn’t been around, but the anger goes much deeper than your typical transition. I’ve been in her life for almost three years.

I just have no clue what to do. We’re trying everything, and started with compassion over everything else but she laughs and thinks it’s truly okay to scream and hit us. No, she is not autistic because these are “moods” and she’s completely normal otherwise. I have always stayed out of the discipline role because I felt as if that’s his job and I’m there for support. I just want to be her friend and be someone she can trust, but I can’t take it anymore of her being so cruel to me or our son out of the blue. It makes it extremely hard to enjoy her and like her, and she’s not even my kid so it was already hard to bond” in the first place. I love her dad so no, I am not going anywhere. I had step parents and asked my parents if I ever acted this way. The answer is no. I’ve spoken to friends with blended families.. they also said no. How am I supposed to deal with this without becoming some evil step parent?

And if you could, please share any stories or advice of your own. Thank you