I want to control my husbands life.

I struggle really bad with controlling his life. I have gone to counseling for 8 years now, tried 3-4 different therapists. I’ve tried TEN different medications (anti depressants, anti psychotics, anti anxiety and mood stabilizers) and yet I’ve never gotten better.

There is a certain someone in his family, who my husband had a thing with back in the day. And by that I mean it was his first ever girlfriend, his first sexual encounter AND he cheated on me with her only a year into our relationship as teenagers. As we grew up and into adults, she decided to marry and have children with someone in my husbands family. We see her often. It is very difficult for me. If it was just an ex, that would be different. But the fact he cheated on me with her makes it hard. I understand it was in high school and we’re adults now (7 years later) but that was a major thing for me and really screwed me up mentally.

I STILL have nightmares where he chooses her over me. As my counselor says, it might not be a huge deal but it is a huge deal to me. It was traumatic to ME. I affected me in so many different ways. I stayed with my boyfriend cause I was 16 years old and immature. I loved him and wanted to be with him and I guess as long as he didn’t communicate with her I was okay. I didn’t process my feelings the way I should’ve. We ended up staying together and then getting married as adults. I never in my life expected her to be apart of the family.

It’s not just thoughts that come to my head before family events, I’m talking I have to take my prescribed Xanax before I go, and deep breathe the entire ride. I sometimes throw up with how anxious I am. I can’t eat around her because I get so sick to my stomach. I look her up on social media everyday and I’m not even sure what I’m looking for. I compare myself to her. Sometimes while my husband and I are having sex, those terrible thoughts of me getting cheated on come to mind and I have to throw me off me cause I can’t breathe. It affects me physically. Also the reason I am even prescribed Xanax in the first place.

So when his family asks if he wants to come over, or go somewhere, or a wedding etc… I have anxiety cause I know she will most likely be there. And if she’s not there, somehow she is brought up. They talk about how happy her and her husband seem, or how cute their kids are. Even hearing her name gives me anxiety. Sick to my stomach anxiety.

I can’t keep living like this. His dad wants my husband to come over this weekend and help him remodel his basement. I have so much anxiety about it cause what if her and her husband are there? I don’t even know what I’m afraid of happening.

Can someone give me insight? What is wrong with me? Why am I still affected by this? This is causing issues within my relationship cause I stop my husband from seeing his family. His cousin (the female he cheated on me with husband) offered my husband a job and my husband was very interested but I told him no thank you. I asked him not to take the job. Solely because I didn’t want him around his cousin 24/7.

If you got this far thank you. I feel like a terrible wife. He has shared his concerns with me and said it is starting to affect how he feels about me. It’s hard for him to love me the way he used to. I want to get better for him.. how do I do it?