I'm almost 13 weeks into an unplanned pregnancy. I went back and forth for the first couple of months trying to figure out if I was going to abort or keep it and thought id succeeded at not getting attached in any way. When I found out one of my anxiety medications was known to be linked with birth defects, I surprised myself with how strongly I reacted, I was extremely upset and had a panic attack and was crying and filled with worry. I took that as my answer that I wanted to keep the pregnancy.

But honestly I don't know who I'm kidding. The father and I had been nothing more than fwb at most, we don't even know each other that well. We'd been breaching relationship territory just a couple weeks before I found out about the pregnancy - I'm certain the same day that I confessed having a crush on him and liking him more than I thought I would is the day that we conceived. But I just completely lost interest in him. I'd like to be able to coparent but he's so unreliable and is starting to bring out the worst in me. He doesn't want to give up on the relationship and wants to be involved with the baby but I honestly don't want to be stuck with this guy for the rest of my life, especially when he wants to be involved and acts like he's in love with me but won't even tell his family about me and doesn't want them to know if he has a kid. I live with my mother and this is putting such a huge burden on her, I have no friends that can or are willing to help me, no other family besides her.

I'm so overwhelmed all the time. I feel like when I just forget about the father, everything feels doable, and I feel excited. But every time I remember that I have to let him be involved (he isn't exactly a bad person, I have no reason to claim that his involvement would be detrimental in any way and the kid deserves to have the opportunity to know their dad) I just have a breakdown. This isn't what I wanted my life to be like, I don't want to be with him, and it just exhausts me to the point of being a complete bitch because he won't take no for an answer and keeps calling me "love" and telling me how much he misses and wants me and how much he misses me even when I've said that makes me uncomfortable because we aren't in a relationship and I don't want to be in one anymore.

This baby deserves a better mom than me, they deserve a mom that doesn't have bipolar disorder and loses feelings for a perfectly fine man overnight, they deserve parents that are together, that planned for a baby. They deserve a mom that doesn't have a laundry list of mental health problems including severe depression, anxiety, anger issues - they just deserve someone better than me that won't give then a shitty, messy life because of my own inability to just make shit work with the father. I wish I'd never started hooking up with him, I wish I'd never gotten pregnant, I wish I had the strength to get an abortion or cause a miscarriage or search for adoptive parents - any of those would be kinder than subjecting a kid to a life with me and my problems. But I just don't have the strength, I'm so fucking selfish, I'm so terrified of the grief I'll feel that I just never go through with anything.

Can someone please give me some encouragement so I can just do what needs to be done for the sake of this baby