Should a working dad help a sahm?

Question

yesterday my bd’s sister texted me asking how i was and if her brother helps n i was like lol no and i told him about that interaction and he got annoyed like i wake up at 5:30 and work. And like I understand that but also I need a break too like i’m hardly sleeping then when i try to rest he bugs me for sexual acts which i don’t do because i’m too tired and i’m only 2 weeks post partum. Whenever I say I’m too tired or whatever he tells me to tell my mom to watch the kids or hire a babysitter and pay from my savings but I feel like that’s weird because it’s like you’re the dad watch your own kids?? He can’t even do simple things like prepare the bottle or swaddle the baby. It bugs me too because he doesn’t work weekends and he’ll sleep in and take naps but hes never like i’ll take care of the kids so you can rest. I know it’s hard being the one to support the family but I’m dealing with a lot too I think. He wasn’t around for the first kid so I didn’t know he was like this but that should’ve been enough of a red flag not to have another kid with him

Answer

My husband has been a hands on parent since day 1. The way our household works is: his day job is in the office, and my day job is to stay at home with our daughter. When he gets home, those day jobs are over and all household and childcare work is now equally split. He plays with our daughter while I cook dinner. He cleans up dinner while I clean up her toys. We share bath time and bed time routine duties. When she was newborn, he woke up at every feed. He changed her diaper while I went to the bathroom. While I was nursing her he’d get me water and snacks or whatever I needed then go back to sleep. If I couldn’t get baby back to sleep after, he would take her and I’d get some sleep. On weekends we both get up together or if one of us needs some extra sleep, we alternate. We both get free time equally. It’s a partnership.

Answer

Let's change the way we speak about paid and unpaid work. A partner is NOT HELPING, they are being a functional adult and parent. The paid workers life has NOT CHANGED since having kids, therefore of course they should take on some domestic tasks on returning home (as they would have done BEFORE kids anyway...) if you are the unpaid partner, your role is to provide a stimulating experience for your child, or just plain surviving with a newborn. Also- NO SEX before 6
Weeks- is that man a total idiot, does he not physically understand what you've been through (he needs to pick up a school bio book)

Answer

I see these posts a lot on this app and I always comment. My boyfriend works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. As soon as he gets home from work he immediately takes care of our daughter. He plays with her, helps get her dinner ready, gives her a bath, puts her to bed, and has never complained. He helps me cook dinner, and some nights will just cook and won’t let me do anything. If I cook dinner he’ll take over doing the dishes, he does laundry, and on his 1 day off he gets he cuts the grass or cleans. He works a ton of hours and I’m a sahm, but he’s always willing to help. I do most of the cleaning and cooking and am currently pregnant with our second child. I was working full time and it was his idea for me to quit and stay home when we found out I was pregnant again. My big thing, if you weren’t there who would clean or cook? He’d still be working full time and would still have to come home and do chores, so why wouldn’t he help? It’s part of being an adult and a parent.

Answer

I do not understand why there are so many of these posts?! If you are a parent, be a parent! Being the “outside the home” working parent doesn’t give you an excuse to not be a partner in your home. My husband is the stay at home parent in our house and I work “outside the home” and support the family financially. We have a toddler and I am 37 weeks pregnant. We share the parenting equally and help each other have breaks when possible. I hate seeing these posts because it breaks my heart. Stay at home parents are rockstars and it is so much work. Everyone deserves a break.

Answer

Should a parent act like a parent?
Should a person respect their partner when they say don’t want to or cannot have sex?

Answer

It’s called parenting, and he needs to step his game up. In our family, no matter who is working and who is staying home, the second the worker gets home, they switch into parent mode.

Answer

I understand both sides. 
Prior to my fiancé becoming a SAHD, I did it all. Worked,  cleaned, cooked, took care of the kids. My fiancé didn’t do shit but work and exist. When he quit his job I requested he help out around the house as well as watch after our kids and I feel so validated because there was a time in the very beginning after he quit his job, he’d tell me - oh it wasn’t that bad. It only took me 45 minutes to clean downstairs. And now there’s time he’ll be honest with me and be like omg the kids were such a handful today. I’m sorry I didn’t do x y and z. Or he’ll tell me I picked toys up a million times today and the kids just kept pulling them out. Or I’m sorry, I was so tired today, I just didn’t feel like loading the dishwasher but I’ll do it tomorrow. 
And it’s like bro…I get it. And just think. I did all that AND worked full time. It’s a lot. So I think I can sympathize in a way working fathers can’t. Because working fathers that aren’t involved partners, can’t possibly understand what your workload looks like. And that’s why they often think that working exempts them from their responsibilities at home. 
But I don’t feel that way at all. I understand that even after a long day at work, my fiancé has been listening to whining and screaming and crying all day and just wants a break when I get home from work. But he also understands that some night I’ve had a particularly rough night and I’m exhausted. So it’s in these instances that we have to compromise. Maybe that means tag teaming. Or maybe that means one of us sucks it up for the other. 
While my fiancé helps out tremendously now, I don’t expect him to do everything. My fiancé lets me sleep in most days as I work second shift, but I try to get up early a few times a week so he can get some rest and doesn’t have to spend literally all day taking care of our kids. I’ll give them breakfast and baths and get them dressed etc so it’s less for him to do during the day/night when I’m not home. Just this morning I saw that the kitchen was a mess so I didn’t wait for him to do it - I did it. And it’s funny because when he came downstairs he said babe I can do that later. Just sit and relax. And I’m like no - I can help out too. As I should and do. I feel like otherwise I’d be taking advantage of my fiancé and treating his job like it’s less work than mine when I know first hand that it isn’t. In fact I give him props because idk if I could do what he does day in and day out. So I’m more than happy to contribute more than just financially

Answer

He wakes up at 5:30 oooo so early SO WHAT you stay up ALL NIGHT with that baby and then ALL day WITH NO BREAKS!! How is it even close to fair? It’s not. HE GETS LUNCH BREAKS. HE GETS PEACEFUL DRIVES HOME. Ect! HE GETS TO DO EVERYTHING HE WANTS BUT YOU DONT. 
And he doesn’t even watch the kids so you can sleep in on the weekends. He is literally doing nothing but working and putting it all onto you. Weaponized incompetence. Look it up.

Answer

That’s unacceptable. We both work now but when I was home with my son on maternity leave my husband always helped me. The first month I pretty much didn’t lift a finger. He wakes up at 420am for work and would still wake up and help with the baby in the middle of the night.

Answer

Both my husband and I have been the working parent and both have been the stay at home parent, at different times. We have pretty demanding and high pressure jobs, but I think we can both confirm that being the stay at home parent is the harder job, most of the time.

Should a working dad help a sahm?

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