Once again

TW: Abortion, ST

I feel like my husband doesn’t like me nor is he attracted to me anymore. So we met when we was 19 online and I came to the US to be with him. He always accused me of cheating even tho I wasn’t and always would side with his family that was giving me a really hard time. Few months in I get jumped by his sister n her bd, my then bc does nothing. The accusations of cheating kept going even tho he would go thru my phone and not find anything but I always knew he was the one doing something. Anyways fast forward to a year I get arrested after I call the cops on him for abuse but my dumb self doesn’t tell the cops everything that actually happened so they arrest me n him. Anyways we make it out he isn’t even able to say he was sorry for this or gets me a ride (I didn’t know where I was n he knew that) anyways so since he lied to me about not being able to get my papers together, I was here illegally so an immigration case opened up. We called lawyers n they asked if we planned on getting married to which he said yes. We had to wait for the criminal court case to be over first which was going to take awhile since it was during the pandemic. So around like 2 months after I can tell he is probably cheating but thought it was lil kids stuff like just flirting with girls or idk something not really crazy so in my head i’m like i’m going to let him have is little fun. WRONG! about 2 months after that we get into an argument n i finally wanna know everything he been doing so i asked him for his phone. I found out about him cheating this whole relationship, going from just texting, to meet ups, to sending girls money because they “needed” it, to only fans subscription, talking shit about his ex (me), to talking to a prostitute to pay her 500$ for a night (which was my money), etc. I give him the chance that day to tell me everything I found out himself but he didn’t so for a whole 2 weeks I keep finding something. I was so hurt cause I didn’t imagine it being so much since we were young. I would out at night a lot. This one might I left the house when I came back I asked for his phone again, saw that he was trying to meet up with a girl living 2h30 away to just smoke n chill cause she was just a friend which made no sense. He cried and said how sorry he was, gave my access to everything n begged me to stay. Which I ended up doing. Anyways throw out the rest of the time, he some stuff that I had told him from now on I would consider cheating. His mom basically left him without a notice n he finally got that they never really cared bout him n cut em off. After that we moved out. I kept seeing little stuff that bothered me so after awhile I told him I was done which he would never actually believe but I didn’t care. I started an online “affair” don’t really if it was since i had told my husband we was done but yea. I end the affair myself after awhile after that we had one of the nicest months we probably ever had in this relationship n i felt so so much guilt that i told my husband about it. There was no way in my head we could have a brand new start if i kept it a secret anyways he gets mad n hurt but we managed to get thru it. Anyways comes to a few months back we find out we’re pregnant which i wasn’t happy about cause I wanted to give it a year to see if the relationship could get any better. So we made an appointment to terminate the pregnancy but i could just not do it but the night we made the appointment i cried the whole day n at night i went out to walk n cry while i was out i was just thinking about how i wasn’t worth living if i did it, that i was the worst human being ever so i started having su*c*dal thoughts at the end i came back home n went to sleep the next day i check his social n i see that while i was out the other night, he looked up a girl that he used to follow on instagram. Anyways after that I found him trying to look up a girl’s nude that had gotten leaked n him screen recording a video of girls half naked while we was talking. I started venting to an old friend n my husband got jealous. We had a talk one night n i told him i was done, he said he wouldn’t do anything anymore but i said that there was just too much. Anyways fast forward the next doctors appointment we’re in the room n we hear the baby’s heartbeat after that I told him I was keeping it. So about the day after or 2 days after I find out that he unblocked a girl that i had blocked after he tried to meet up with her to “smoke” the first time n figured out this girl already had came up in his first relationship when he was 15. So i confront him about it he then said “oh she knows everything about me, i was so young when i met her bla blah). I told him that was the dumbest shit he could’ve ever done n also told him ik he wanted to fuck her but she was the one just not wanting him in that way. Anyways next day i logged into his sc n find out that they actually had a short conversation. I went thru his social n i came to the conclusion he got an obvious with white women, caucasian, white hispanic. Which I am not Im olive toned anyways also i still don’t got a ring a year after the marriage so yea i don’t think he is attracted to anything not white looking nor does he like me. I also would like to add that when i came here to the US it was after my abusive dad kicked me out for the idk how many’s time n where i was at i had no family not help. My mom also for some reason kept telling me to give my husband another chance.