Blended Family

How do you successfully have a blended family? I find myself struggling right now.

My boyfriend of 2 years has 2 kids 5yr girl and 3yr boy. I instantly bonded with his daughter but his son is difficult. His son hits, tells me he hates me and has a lot of tantrums. I often struggle with what exactly to do in these situations. I can tell my boyfriend struggles too. He separated from his ex when he was only a few months and he is only able to see his kids every other weekend because they live out of state. His son can be overwhelming in a lot of situations. I have only hung out with his kids in public a handful of times and try to always make light of the situation and be patient.

I have 2 kids of my own 4yr girl, 2yr old son. My kids are so different from his and when my boyfriend and I take my kids somewhere we don’t have many issues with the kid’s behavior. In fact we get many compliments on how good the kids are.

We rarely have all 4 kids at once and a few times we did I end up watching my two and his daughter…. My boyfriend ends up wrangling his son. Lol.

My question is how do we make this work better? I don’t believe in bad kids but I don’t know how to parent a kid that’s not mine…. What I mean by that. When he is upset I would pick my kid up and hug them, ask them what’s wrong and make sure basic needs are met (hunger, tiredness). If they act up I point it out and let them know the consequences for poor behavior. I don’t feel it’s my place to do any of those things with his kid. A few times talking to his son worked but I got upset when he said he hated me and not to talk to him. 😞 I just want to help.

Also a few strangers have come up to us and referred to me being his sons mom. This immediately upsets his son. Once he went into tantrum mode. What do I do?

Also, I do not want to leave my relationship because of his child. I feel it can be worked on.