Lonely

Hey ladies,

I suppose I need to vent my frustrations and see if anyone wants to share their opinions or advice.

My biggest problem in life is that I never speak up as I don’t want to upset anyone, but it heavily effects my life in the worst way.

Sometimes I’m so scared to voice my opinion in instances where I feel disrespected that I just don’t say anything out of fear of being alone and people leaving my life (which has happened when I’ve spoken up over the smallest things).

I’ve began to internalise it all and it sometimes makes me feel physically sick from all the stress.

Last night I was with the guy I’ve been dating, we’re basically boyfriend and girlfriend, we’ve said it once after 4 months together, I just don’t feel like we’re in one.

We never say I love you, I said it when I was drunk on New Years and he said it back and that was it, we only organise to catch up, he rarely messages otherwise.

And I’ve tried communicating with him about his communication style and it’s almost like he’s naive to it.

He also doesn’t like talking about anything heavy or negative and will change the subject, which makes me scared to open up.

I need more.

I hate being single, I’ve been raped in the past and dating gives me anxiety, and all the guys that have gone beyond the talking phase and I’ve actually dated leave as soon as the honeymoon period is over.

It all got too much yesterday as I was thinking about it all and I got too into my head last night when I was with him and just started crying as we were laying down.

He was super supportive and said that it’s not that he doesn’t like talking about negative things, more that he chooses to stay positive and so I opened up to him and he validated my feelings.

I was feeling better but I haven’t heard from him at all day today and now I have anxiety again thinking I’ve freaked him out and he’ll run away like every other guy the moment I show one flaw.