Why you should never judge formula feeding moms

An every day event triggered the inspiration for me to write this article. Something that you have probably seen many times over as I have, but this time, it randomly triggered a deeper thought. I’ll tell you what that was later in this article…

One of the most disheartening things for me as a mother is having my eyes opened to how judgemental and unsupportive some mothers – our sisters – are towards other mothers. Its like a vicious epidemic, there’s always someone right there to judge or attack you for each and every little (or big) choice you make, when most mothers are simply craving and yearning for connection, nurturing, love and validation.

I see many mothers not being able to relax into their soft, feminine, nurturing role of a goddess mama… instead they become hardened, in their masculine and on the ready and defensive.

The thing is, when someone attacks, the instinctive reaction for most of us is to attack back and defend – it is the beginning of a war. Byron Katie says: “Defence is the first act of war” which was very profound for me the first time I heard it – because it is true. There is only war when someone returns the attack, rather than just ending it by ignoring such behaviour. But throw in sleep deprivation, hormones, stress and even depression or underlying guilt or sadness about their feeding journey, and some mothers majorly struggle to be able to ignore such hurtful comments. Sadness becomes anger, which eventually becomes sadness again then anger… its a vicious cycle people get stuck in which Anthony Robbins calls the ‘crazy 8’. The low of the sadness gets too much and anger comes roaring out.

How do we break the vicious cycle? How can we appreciate our sisters so much more? Through understanding.

Here’s 12 reasons why you shouldn’t judge a mother who is feeding her baby with formula… and if you can think of any others, please add them into the comments section at the end of the article. Lets see if we can practise what we’re about to read in those comments… and choose kindness and understanding – both ways.

1. Struggles With Past Sexual Abuse

Wow, this is a big one huh? Thats why I thought I would put it first. This thought may not have even occurred to many women. Say you go off on a rant (or even make a judgemental comment) to a formula feeding mother about how she’s giving her baby an inferior option by formula feeding, then later you found out that she’d been sexually abused (which is highly unlikely that you’d be privy to such information). How do you think she would feel hearing you berate her knowing she can’t even possibly explain why? How would you feel knowing that you’ve likely now dredged up her past all over again, as well as lots of difficult feelings for a woman who has been through one of the most emotionally and physically damaging things a human being could go through?

Its likely that she’s not going to tell you why she’s using formula or she may tell you some other reason – but, guess what…. it’s not your business.

Check out this clip about research into breastfeeding after sexual abuse – and the fact that you just cannot force women to breastfeed. Its just plain WRONG.

2. She Fell Pregnant

Many breastfeeding mothers find that their breastmilk supply drops in the second trimester (due to hormones), or their baby suddenly weans because of a change in the taste of the breastmilk. This is not true for everyone of course, some women do tandem feed without any issues. But for other women, they may find that their baby no longer wants to breastfeed and becomes disinterested.

It can be an emotionally difficult time for some mothers because while they may be very excited to be pregnant, mothers may still feel guilty for the pregnancy cutting short a valued breastfeeding relationship. No matter how hard they may try to boost their milk, eventually it can become exhausting without any positive gains.

3. The Baby Just Choose To Wean

Sometimes babies just choose to wean, and you can’t pick when that day is going to be. For some babies, weaning comes early on, and other babies don’t want to wean until their first, second or third or more year.

Especially when it is very early on in the breastfeeding relationship and it is completely unexplained, it can come with so much sadness for mothers, especially when its sooner than expected. Don’t give her a reason to feel even sadder. She misses the breastfeeding relationship just like you will when your baby weans.

4. The Baby Wouldn’t Go Back To The Breast After A Bottle

This is an unfortunate occurrence – a mother introduces a bottle to her baby and then the baby refuses to go back to the breast. Again, this can be very upsetting, especially when the mother introduced the bottle thinking that it would help her partner or other family members bond with the baby, or she’d be able to get more rest or go back to work by giving baby a bottle. But some babies don’t want to go back, and it doesn’t make it any less upsetting. While she might have done it differently next time, she may not have known this could happen. That doesn’t make her stupid.