Feeling defeated, lonely, overwhelmed and overjoyed - just need an outlet.

I'm in my guest bedroom, looking at my baby girl sleep in the monitor - she is 3mo old.  I waited to have the perfect life to bring her in. I didn't have the perfect home growing up, I was raised by my grandparents as I watch my own parents create a life of their own with new children and new spouses. I wanted to make sure I had a solid relationship before I ever thought of bringing children onboard. Now, 8 days shy of my 10th year anniversary, my marriage felt apart. NOW, now that I finally took that step of letting go of that fear of not raising a child w his/her parents together.  My head and my mind are spinning and numb. I'm overjoyed to have my baby and extremely sad about my marriage - never I thought those 2 feelings could coexist.  Do I stay in this marriage that only brings me tears and brings up the worse of me, just because of fear? Fear she will be damaged like I always thought I was. 

The truth is, I can't trust my husband. We had a rough year, and I found out he was deep in drugs the days before I was due. It was like having a bad nightmare, replaying every moment and wondering how I didn't see it. We were the couple everyone looked up to, the perfect house, the perfect jobs, we even looked perfect together... If u saw us, u will see perfect... We even have a perfect dog. 

He went to rehab, after much convincing, and a huge intervention as I was still literally bleeding from childbirth. He did see my baby being born, but he must have called his dealer 100 times right before and the second after she was born. I know, because I saw the calls, the texts.

He got home after my baby's first month, and I can't help myself. I track him, I look at his phone, I check our credit cards, our bank, I wonder, I'm miserable. I'm sure he has contacted his dealer again. I see the signs, but I almost don't want to. I saw what that side of him brought to my house... Depleted savings, debt, almost lost everything, anger, hate, tears... A lot of them. When he was away, besides being sleep deprived from the baby, I was sleep deprived of just thinking of him and making sense of it all. Learning about addiction, and trying to wrap my head around how our lives were going to be like.  I found all kinds of information about how to