Postpartum Marriage Troubles- long, mostly a vent.

My husband of 3 1/2 years and I, in our mid-20s, just welcomed our first little one into the world a few weeks ago and while I know hormones and emotions are high during this time...especially when routines and sleep patterns have changed drastically...something else is up.

We are not a perfect couple and definitely do not have a perfect marriage. We've had our downs before but I've never seen him like this. He says I did this to him; that I'm so negative that it has taken all is joy and hope away.

Example of said negativity:

I had an unplanned c-section after 30 hours of labor and no sleep for 2 days. We live out of state from both of our families. Financially, I had to take back the 6 month old that I babysit only a week after coming home from the birthing center. Reality- a lot of stress and even more pain from recovery. So when my husband comes home and asks "Are you alright?" and I reply "No. I'm hurting." all of a sudden I am sucking the life out of him.

I get it- I'm not a happy-go-lucky person but I wouldn't say I'm a pessimist, just a realist.

Anyway. He's been getting so angry lately. Like tensing his jaw, raising his hand, making a fist to charge at the wall, screaming that he hates me, crying, cursing, saying horrible things, etc. I know that I'm not a perfect wife...heck, I'm probably not even a good one. But I want to be. He says that I cause this and I made him like this. That I should just love and respect him and he'd never have to get angry...but I don't know how anymore.

Even though I don't feel any respect because of the way he does treat me when this happens, and its terribly hard when I'm not getting any help around the house especially when I should be recovering...these episodes are truly scaring me so I am trying. I've been trying to not be negative, even if that means just holding in my own emotions. I've been remaining more calm and trying to be sweet and laugh more with him. I havent been asking him for help and I haven't told him when I'm hurting or overwhelmed.

We had a good day or two.

Then today, I thought he was getting lunch together while I came to nurse. I realized that I may have left my water bottle downstairs so I called him to ask if he'd mind looking. He said that he was taking the trash out and then he would look. 15-20 minutes pass and he hadn't come up so I called him back and I could tell he was in the car so asked him where he went. Again, he just said he took the trash out. I obviously knew he was gone so I asked him again where he was and he just said he was talking to his mom. Why won't he just answer the question? Calmly, and almost laughing, I asked why he wouldn't just tell me because I know you went somewhere. "Gas station." And then he hung up. When he got back I asked him what he got at the gas station, already knowing, and after two tries he finally answers that he bought dip. I didn't get angry and I didn't intentionally try to cause an argument or shame him but I just said with a sad tone, "When are you going to put us first? You know we don't have money for you to keep spending on that stuff." And he lost it. He clinched his fists and arms downward as he bucked at me, his eyes large, his voice deepened and shouted "What does he need then!" And I started listing off diapers and clothes and things we still havent been able to get. He began acting like he was going to punch the wall but stopping as always, hyping himself up, saying he hates me, hit his head against the door...and then apparently our babe looked over at him and just so happened started to cry. Mind you- he is weeks old, I highly doubt that he knew anything was going on much less made a face at him on purpose but now my husband swears "The way he looked at me..did you see how he looked at me? I can't be this way. Why have you done this to me?! He doesn't deserve me like this. I'm a piece of crap! I'm so weak and ugly. Etc etc etc" During this entire thing, I'm just nursing baby and remaining calm and apologizing over and over and asking him to stop and saying everything is okay.

He has left for work now and changes his mood and says he loves me and acts like nothing just happened. I'm so stuck on what to do. I want to help him. I have caused this. He used to not be this way. He used to be loving and helpful but because I didn't make him feel appreciated I guess, he says he gave up. Hes become really unhealthy. He used to be very fit but now he's really skinny and I know its because all he does is play video games, wont eat, and wastes money on dip tobacco and (legally) vaping marijuana. I've ruined him. And while I know I'm not who I used to be and I'm dealing with a ton physically, emotionally and mentally too..I know that I need to just help him if I want to ever not be miserable. I just don't know how. How do you respect your husband when he isn't being respectable? How do you just "leave him alone" and let him "be a man" when he's lying and spending money that you don't have to spend. Sure, I could just not say anything but literally we would have no money for food or a place to live if I didn't ever check in with him on our finance. I don't know the middle ground. He already sees me as such a terrible person apparently so how now do I just turn it around? I want to help him..help us..but I can only do so much. Where's his effort??