defeated

I feel .... Drained. I feel as if I have no purpose here anymore. I'm pregnant and a mother of two. I have been with the same guy since I was 15 and we are 22 now. Sometimes I'm happy but .... Lately it's felt like my happiness has never been real. Idk myself anymore and I definitely don't feel like myself. My BF treats my emotions as if they aren't real, as if I'm "making it all up". But it's real, they're there. And lately they haven't gone away. I don't want to live anymore and even though I know it's sad, and I get sad when I think of it ..... It doesn't seem so bad to not feel the pain anymore. To not feel ANYTHING anymore. I realize now that I have never been happy. Even before I got pregnant ever and even before I got with my BF .... I've never been happy and idk how to be happy. I want it all to end ... Maybe then everyone will be happy. Maybe then they will know it was real.......