Tough love?!?!

Question

My mom has been a drug addict for most of my life. She's been in & out of rehabs and had many aweful relationships. Lately she's been claiming to be sober yet her newest boyfriend has relapsed & ended up in the hospital due to overdosing. I'm truly struggling on where that puts me & my son (once he arrives next month) as far as having a relationship with her goes. I don't live at home & am not forced to have a relationship with her but through it all, I have seemed to forgive her time after time but now I feel that I need to protect my son from toxic people & relationships. She obviously loves us but I feel as though she doesnt give much to our relationship unless it somehow benefits her.
 My question is, has anyone gone through this with a parent or loved one & how did you handle the situation? Please no negative comments!

Answer

Focus on yourself and your child.

Answer

I'm coming from a different perspective. I was addicted to heroin for a while. And when I was actively using I wasn't a parent or anything. But I will say what really helped me get clean was when my dad had me leave (he gave me the choice- live here sober, or leave, I chose to leave). Of course he still stayed in contact with me, but our relationship was minimal, same with my mom and brother. I think after years of what I put them through they had to have that space for their own well-being. Maybe having a grandchild will be motivation for your mom to stay clean. I will say from personal experience, your desire and motivation to get and stay clean often comes from really unusual sources. If you know for sure she is actively using, I wouldn't let her around your child. You can be there to support her, but ultimately it's on her. When my parents realized that, that made it 'easier' on them. I can't imagine being the child of an addict. Most people think, just stop for your child, aren't they worth it? And to some yes, but its not that black and white unfortunately. It's hard to understand addiction unless you've been there. The feelings and emotions that overcome you are sometimes so strong, it's literally unbearable. One of the things I'm most grateful in my life is getting out when I did, and even though it'll be a struggle the rest of my life, it'll always be worth it to keep trying. I hope for your child's sake your mom finds what she needs to make the commitment to stay clean.

Answer

My dad is a raging alcoholic. He ended up losing his job and was homeless for 4 months. I tried to get him in his feet and he just kept drinking. When he drinks he's very verbally and emotionally abusive. After dealing with this for 28 years, I cut him off. I wrote him a letter. I told him the moment he asks me for help I would be there no matter what, but until then, he was not allowed to call me or show up at my house or contact me in any way. I needed to put my mental health first. It was the best thing I ever did. It's been 5 years. I've talked to him maybe 2 or 3 times (he called me when he found out I was engaged and a couple other random times). He didn't come to my wedding. I didn't invite him. It's very hard but I'm happy I did it. My relationship with my now husband (boyfriend at the time) was suffering do to my low self esteem and the emotionally abusive phone calls. Everyone's situation is different but that's what I had to do for me. I'm now pregnant and he doesn't know. I have a brother and sister and they still talk to him. He's abusive to them as well but the only person that can stop it is them. I did also go to some therapy sessions as I had some guilt at the beginning. I was advised to try Alanon meetings too but never went to that. Good luck!

Answer

My father is an alcoholic. Luckily he's not near us. I wouldn't allow him near my son if he where drinking. 
I know what it does to a kid. I won't do it to my son

Answer

Yes, my dad is a crack addict smokes it everyday at least $80 worth he does come over to my sister's house to shower and eat from time to time ( maybe 3 days out of a week ) but we let him talk to the kids and hug them and that last from like an hour sometimes less and the kids see nothing wrong because we dont tell them so they do love him and as far as him he is a nice hearted person with bad habits

Tough love?!?!

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