Horrid person. horrid thoughts

I'm going to post this anonymously so that you don't know who I am because I'm ashamed of what I'm going to say - 

To paint the picture for you, I'm 19 and my birthday is October the 1st, 

I met the very first love of my life when I was just 14 years old. I thought he was the be all and end all of my life. He cheated on me, went on several lads holidays - and I still stuck by him. In February, I found out I was pregnant with his child. We discussed it and I got rid of the baby. I was 6  weeks pregnant, and I lived with it, my heart did not ache as I knew it was for the best. I stayed with this boyfriend of mine for 4 years before having enough of the shit that we went through and left. The relationship was sour for months, and I was so unhappy.   I met someone else just weeks after our official break up. And haven't left him since. 

At first I thought he was amazing just because he wasn't my ex. We went to Amsterdam together, nights out in exclusive nightclubs, trips to the city, hotel nights etc. It was lovely. I found out a few weeks ago that I'm not pregnant with his baby (we have been together since August - 8 months), after him begging me for the past couple of months for a baby. (Can I just add he has a huge issue with feeling neglected, he also has anger issues and doesn't have a father). He is also in the army. I have also just recently lost my job. 

Anyway, two nights ago, my ex got in touch with me, after crying for weeks over me. He has declared that he is still in love with me. I don't know why? But I met up with him. It wasn't awkward. And feelings have just come flooding back through the curtains. My brain is all over the place, and I don't know if I can keep a child with someone who I'm not entirely sure about??? 

I just don't know what to do, I feel so torn. But my current boyfriend I just physically cannot stand at the moment, and everything he does just makes me feel like shit. 

I'm just looking for some help I guess. I need to know what you guys think? Please read my story with compassion  🙁