I can't talk to any of my family or friends about this but need to get it off my chest.

This year has really sucked. A few days into the year my FIL went into the hospital. I was a month out from my due date. He never came home from the hospital, and never met his 3 grandchild. It was a very difficult time. It was 10 days after he went in I had dealt with 2 sick kids and we had no clue what was going on with my FIL; I ended up in the hospital with the bug my kids had except worse. I sent 6 hours in the hospital getting fluids. It was a hard day, no one could watch our 2 kids, and we had learned while I was in the hospital that my FIL had fell while trying to go to the bathroom on his own causing the need for "a few stitches". When my MIL arrived she found his head was worse than a few stitches. We also found out he had fungal pneumonia. The day after my hospital stay he was moved to the ICU and he never made it out. A month after my FIL went into the hospital I gave birth to my beautiful 3rd child with my husband by my side. He insisted on being there despite his father still being in the ICU on a ventilator; when my water broke he was sitting at the hospital with his father as he did everyday he wasn't working, or straight after he got out of work. I never asked him to come home to help me with our other 2 kids.

The day baby and I were discharged from the hospital my husband and 2 kids picked us up, and dropped us all off at home and then when to the hospital where his family was decided whether or not to take his father off of the ventilator, as he was not improving, and everyday was a struggle. It was 8 more days until they made the final decision. I still never called my husband home, despite bf problems, and struggling with baby gaining weight. With baby in tow I help plan the funeral, at the request of my MIL I brought both older kids, and my 16 day old newborn, and stood in front of a church of family and friends and read one of the readings. Never once letting my 16 day old son (who now was 12% below birth weight) be held by anyone else at the funeral, and feeling guilty for having him there in the first place.

My husband did not hold our son after we left the hospital. He never cried at the death of his father. He has been increasingly more short with both the kids and myself. After 4 months he finally opened up to me tonight, and told me he can't hold our son. He is mad at son; he believes when the family holds him they forget about the loss of his father. Tonight he told me he thinks the only way he will ever be able to be happy is if we put our baby boy, my baby boy up for adoption.

My heart is so much heavier now... I have felt, so much guilt. I was diagnosed with PPD around my 6 week appointment. I love my husband, but I cannot any of my kids up for adoption. He says he needs to think about it more cause he's not 100% sure. What on earth am I suppose to do. How can I chose between my husband and baby?