My crazy life.

Okay, not sure where to start, this is going to be long and chaotic. So here goes, I'm a mom of three and in college. I've never posted anywhere and am quite nervous even though it's anonymous. A little over a year and a half ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce because I was going on a different path in life then I had been when I was with him. When we got together I had no aspirations about what I wanted in life other than to be with him and that was it. That all changed when I enrolled in college and I found out what I wanted to do with my life and that I didn't need him to be happy. He was angry and upset of course, after a trip with friends I realized I no longer loved him like I used to, instead it was because he was the father of my children not that he was my world. In come the chaos, I hung it with a close group of friends and one was going through similar issues in his marriage minus the kids and I'll spare details, but his wife told him she didn't find him attractive and didn't want to do anything romantic or extracurricular with him. We started hanging out as friends talking about everything and trying to help each other repair our marriages, somewhere along the way we fell for each other (i know what the hell). I tried countless times to put his marriage first and be there only as a friend helping him telling him to try this or that to help with his marriage, but it only made things worse. He hadn't been telling her we were hanging out which made it sneaky she got upset and told him to stop hanging out with me and he said he couldn't lose me. She was pissed and I completely understand, I never meant for any of that to happen I wanted a friend who I could talk to and understand how I felt as most of my college friends are not married. Fast forward two months, he left her because he loves me and I am trying hard not to feel guilty and like the other woman. A feat that I tried to overcome, I put their relationship above my own feelings time and time again. I told him I would walk away whenever he told me to and that I would never talk to him again if he didn't want me too. My aim was to always help him, anyways two months from when everything started we are living together and I find out I'm pregnant. I am terrified, for so many reasons mainly because I didn't want anymore kids and because I had just broken up a marriage unintentionally. I know many of you are thinking I'm a home wrecker, that's fine, but I never wanted this. So there I was pregnant and debating on telling him cause he just told me that he needed to take a trip to his brother to sort things out in his mind cause he was having guilt issues and wasn't sure about what he should do. I asked my friend and her boyfriend they both had different answers, the girl said don't tell him then you'll know when he gets back if it's you and not the abbey that he stayed for. My guy friend said tell him before he goes, he's the dad and he deserves to know. I didn't tell him at first, again I was terrified, then my guy friend gave me a look. I talked to him and told him everything, he was blank for a few seconds, understandable, then he said this doesn't change my trip. I said okay, he asked questions about what was going to happen and what I wanted. I told him I didn't know and then I gave him an out. I told him if he chose her I would be fine on my own and that I had plenty of people who could help me get through it. He didn't say anything other than he would be back. He did come back one week later cause I went into the hospital with severe cramping and bleeding, probably due to stress and a cyst, I was put on bed rest at 10 weeks and the baby was okay. We seen an ultrasound of what looked like a peanut. He stayed with me, stating that it wasn't because of the baby. Fast forward three months, I have gotten used to him being there, sometimes I feel like he wants her back and it hurts cause I open up to him. We are enjoying a nice weekend morning with each other and he goes to take a shower, my phone is dead so I send my ex a message telling him we will being the kids by later and see that he texted his ex the night before. I open it out of curiosity and because he had been promising me for months since he returned that they only speak to finalize divorce. To my heartbreak I find text messages from the first four month of our relationship of back and fourth about whether he wanted to be with me or her and that he felt obligated to be with her and she kept making him feel guilty to the point of crying and wanting to come back. He told her that he thought he loved me, but felt bad and missed her (despite telling me he loved me and was happy). A piece of my heart broke, i was putting trust in him that it was because of me and this just made it feel like he was only staying cause of baby. I confronted him and he said that he hadn't texted her about missing her or wanting to get back together in a month, which he hadn't. He also said if he was scared of me finding the texts he would have locked himself phone or deleted them but he didn't. I just felt broken, I was five months pregnant and he was having a relationship crisis on wanting to be with her or me still even after he said he wanted to be with me and loved me. I spent the better part of the next month contemplating what to do and talking to friends who all offered me a place. I also found out the sex of the baby and we cried together when we seen he was healthy. I was confused and hormonal, a month passed and I decided I couldn't do it. I was with him because I had fallen in love with him, but he just seemed to regret everything. I told him that I was releasing him and that I was moving in with my friend, I told him if he wanted to be part of the babies life he could, but as long as he wanted her I couldn't stay. He cried and said that he couldn't loose me, he said that he didn't want to see the baby and not have me or my kids in the picture that he had finally gotten to a point were he didn't feel guilty about everything and that he was happy. He told me that he was sorry and to give him another chance. I told him that I couldn't look at him with trust because he had been lying to me and that he would have to earn it back. Fastforward we now have a five month old together and I still sometimes feel a twinge of sadness and hurt because of everything, we are happy and he is here with me and never wants to miss a moment for a date night or just a little family getaway. How can I let go of the past and focus on the future, when I needed him the most to be honest and never lie to me he did. I love him and I can't think of a day without him, but I still have moments we're the past sneaks up and I cry a little at how much it hurt. Will it ever get better, will I always wonder if it was me or the baby? Will I ever really trust him hole heartedly like I used to and open up to him completely? Sorry if I offended anyone and thank you for sticking through to the end I know it was long, and there is a lot more to tell but this is the biggest moments that I have issues with.