I can't tell anyone about this, other than one friend and he is a Marine and often away from his phone. My boyfriend and I will have been together 10 months the 28th, and he's my saving grace. Before him, I was in an LDR, one that became mentally taxing amd toxic for both me and my ex. He knew about this and he asked questions which I answered I've never lied to him directly about anything. My boyfriend and I went to a huge country jamboree, we both live our lives a little simpler than some others. Before my boyfriend and I met, I talked to many guys, I won't lie. Many I didn't have sex with we just talked, a few I did have sex with. All of the guys I talked to were country. Most actually ended up being at the jamboree. So was my boss with whom things are complicated with. I started seeing all of my mistakes in front of me. After drinking alcohol the entire day, not eating dinner, and being emotional from having our campsite neighbors shout inappropriate things at me all weekend, it was all too much. The last straw was seeing the guy who took my virginity, whom had given me my first and only panic attack (until that night). I began to act really weird trying to avoid the confrontation my boyfriend was trying to have with me about how I was acting. We were on the dance floor of the concert (where all this was happening) when I saw my brothers old best friends girlfriend and I knew he'd be there. This guy was 10 years older, would get me drunk and get me to do things at 14 years old. Almost raped me one time. I know in my heart this is partially my fault. I was a rebel child, alone when my brothers moved, angry. I was young, I was dumb, but none the less it scarred me. I'd never told anyone before. I went to the bathroom, my boyfriend running after me, he tried again to confront me. I told him we should go back to the concert trying to not ruin his night since it was his last weekend before he went into a police academy, but I began to hyperventilate when walking to the concert. He told me he was going to take me back to the tent, on our way out I saw all of my mistakes yet again. I even saw the guy that tried to rape me, the guy from the campsite next door shouted at me again as he walked in. We get to the tent and he makes me tell him everything. I told him about the guys I'd talked to, my first panic attack, all the things I'd done with the guys who got me drunk who were supposed to protect me like my brothers had. He cried knowing I'd been hurt. Finally understanding why I am the way I am. Tough on the outside, hardly showing any emotion sometimes. He held me as I screamed with pain from reliving it all and hyperventilating for an hour and a half that night. When my breathing slowed enough to tell him things, he listened. He didn't leave, he doesn't think any less of me. I kept telling him (still buzzed from alcohol at this point so my mind was all over the place), that I was sorry for how f*ucked up I was on the inside. He told me I was a victim. I'm still not sure If I will ever believe that. But he said he's studied it in college, and I said that I'm sorry it's no longer just in a textbook to you. I made him promise to never tell anyone about what happened. But I've never had anyone know everything about me, all of my secrets. Ever. I feel so relieved. The pain I would get randomly, doesn't really come back. Someone finally knows all of me, and wants to stay. I'm at peace. *I'm sorry for the book, but I had to tell it, it will probably soon be deleted.*