Feel like I failed

No I didn't have a caesarean but here's what did happen:

I went in to get induced at 1:00am November 1. They inserted a pill at 4:00am. Contractions didn't start off bad at all. I was a 3 when they gave it to me and 80% effaced. About 6:00am I called my mom so she could come and help my husband support me because the contractions had gotten worse. At about 8:00am they came in and did another cervix check and I was only a 4 but completely effaced at this point. At around 9:00am the OBGYN came in and broke my water. After about 10 minutes the contractions got bad and I asked for some IV medication for the pain. It worked for about 20 minutes and then the pain got so much it didn't do anything for me. I felt like I had to pee so I went to the bathroom and thats when things got bad.

While on the toilet I looked at my mom and told her to go get a nurse because I had the urge to push. The nurse quickly got me in the bed and checked my cervix. She told me not to push because I was only 6 centimeters dilated. I tried to breathe through them and was kind of successful but eventually it got so hard I just couldn't stop the urge anymore. It was so hard and I was so tired I gave up for a minute. Of course my husband and mom were right here telling me to keep trying and I pulled myself together and did just that but not all that successfully. A nurse rushed in saying that I needed to stop pushing as I was cutting off my baby girls air supply. I started to cry because I knew I was harming my baby and I didn't want that. I asked her what I could do to stop pushing and she said epidural. Now the whole reason I didn't want an epidural was because I have spinal stenosis and the chances of it leaving me paralyzed are very high. But the only other option was a c-section which meant I would miss the birth of my child due to me being put under. I figured it was worth the risk to get an epidural and chose that. The hospital staff just happened to have an anesthesiologist that does epidurals for people with back problems and caught him right as he was walking into surgery. Right after he gave to me I fell asleep but don't remember doing so. When I woke up I couldn't feel anything and was told it was time to push. FINALLY!!! I pushed for about 15 minutes and out came this beautiful 7lb 15oz precious baby girl.

Now the whole reason I feel that I failed was because I feel I could've held myself together better through it all. I feel like I shouldn't have given up so easily and I feel like I put my own child, who I'm supposed to protect, at so much risk and danger. I feel like I just could've done better. And I feel like in a way I failed.