Depression During Pregnancy

Tomorrow is the last day of my second trimester. This pregnancy cannot be over quick enough. I feel like I’m losing myself. I don’t even recognise myself in the mirror anymore. I wonder what my husband can possibly see in me...when all I see is the fat, ugly, emotional wreck I seem to have become. It feels like I see him less and less. I want him to go out and have fun because I love him. And why shouldn’t he. He works so hard and does so much for me. He deserves better than me. I trust him with my life, but it just fuels my insecurities of not feeling good enough anymore. I wish it was me he wanted to spend his time with. My selfish heart aches with loneliness to the point where it hurts me physically. But I’m not pining for friends or companionship...I’m pining for him. Im pining for the way he loved me, wanted me, when I also loved myself. When I felt good enough. I try to breath through the pain but tears stream down my cheeks whether I want them to or not. Thankfully no one sees them. It hurts. Talking about my feelings doesn’t work....I’ve tried. No one understands. And no words can possibly describe this feeling. All I can do is let myself sink further and further into this dark hole of hopelessness until I’m numb enough to fall asleep. Maybe I’ll be ok tomorrow. I can wake up with dry eyes and pretend that it never happened. But I know deep down I’ll continue grieving the person I was and the relationship I had before I fell pregnant.

Maybe I just struggle with change. Maybe everything will be ok. I love my daughter. I feel her movements inside my growing stomach. It’s like she’s reminding me I’m not really alone. It’s not her fault I feel like this. She’s healthy and growing and I’m grateful for that. I wish she was in my arms. I can’t wait for that day. I live for that day.