I’m not sure I want to stay with my boyfriend? Any advice?

Hi all, I just wanted somewhere to turn to or someone even just to listen because I’m a bit lost right now.

Me and my boyfriend have been together 3.5 years & have an 18month old daughter together. I was 18 when we first got together and I’m now 21. Our relationship moved at a very fast pace, with him moving in with me just 2 and a bit months into the relationships. It has always been a pretty fiery relationship and our arguments tend to get heated.

When i went to uni in 2016 he broke up with me because I’d sat on another boys knee, not the smartest move I know but it was completely innocent. Since then he “put me on a drinking ban” which made me quite reserved as I like to go out and have a drink with friends, but once I’d explained that it was wrong after a couple months he let it drop. After that I got pregnant pretty soon and things were actually really good for quite some time!

Fast forward to summer 2017 & I was struggling with having a young baby and feeling like I was getting no support - he was on his game constantly and we did manage to talk it through but arguments were quite explosive still. We’ve always said the arguments get pretty toxic. This was the first point to which I questioned our relationship.

Again in the run up to Christmas 2017 I had feelings of uncertainty about whether I wanted to be with him, and on Christmas Day it ended in an explosive row where I was pushing his buttons and he ended up grabbing me quite viciously and ended up bruising my arms a little. He then said he wanted to end the relationship, and started “packing” his stuff. I ended up spending Christmas morning trying to put on a brave face as me and my daughter visited family and in the end my mum went round to have a talk with him and convinced him to come and have Christmas dinner with us all at least.

Somehow we made up and it wasn’t until recently (March) that we fell out again majorly, which he said he didn’t want to be with me, and at this point I just thought he was playing or overly grumpy so I left him to sleep on it and said to him in the morning that if he really wants to split up then he needs to tell me there and then and if he was still unsure to just tell me, because if he was certain I was going to tell my mum & start making financial arrangements for me and my daughter. He said he was certain, so of course I went off crying and to go and sort my shit out. It wasn’t until later that evening, before I was leaving to go to a friends house (just to get out) that he said he did actually want to be with me. We’re still together, but since that incident I’ve really shut off from him and Im really not sure I want to be with him. Im just scared to walk away in case I make the wrong decision, but right now im seriously unhappy in our relationship. I’ve told him all of this and we’ve agreed that after our holiday in June if we argue badly throughout it we’ll have to call it quits because it’s not healthy.

I just feel so lost and consumed by this, I feel like if I leave I’ll struggle financially and I’ll be lonely forever, but then on the flip side I feel so unhappy right now and my daughter has started to pick up on the arguments and she hates them.

My mum thinks I should just ride out the wave and wait until I’m happy again, but all I can think is I’ve had these feelings of uncertainty before, I shouldn’t keep coming back to this point and what if it just keeps happening over and over in a cycle.

Don’t get me wrong he is a fantastic dad to our daughter, but I just don’t know if we are completely compatible.