Divorce? HELP ME.

Hang on tight, I might ramble! I’m going to try to keep this as matter as fact as possible.

Okay, so here’s the gist: together for 5.5 years. Married for 2.5 years. Two year old daughter. I am 7 months pregnant. I am a stay at home mom, in the process of opening up my own postpartum support business.

We met when I was 20 and he was 23. From the get go, it was rocky because he was excited about finishing school and starting a job that he had accepted out of state. He wanted to be on his own for the first time in his life and didn’t want to be tied down. However, we met at the beginning of the year and fell fast. He was terrified. Kept going back and forth with me about our “status” and our future after the end of the year.

That was a tough year for me. Because I knew in my gut that we were going to work out but was still allowing myself to be dragged back and forth by him. Daddy issues. How cliche. Lol.

ANYWAY. He left for his job but didn’t last the week before he was calling me, missing me, asking me to move with him. So I did. Transferred schools and everything. And that was that. He proposed six months later.

A year after he proposed, I got (accidentally) pregnant. On birth control. Fun! Five months after I got pregnant, we got married.

Had our daughter. We went to marriage counseling. 3 months in, things started getting really rocky because I was in a strange city without any of my family and I was putting my all into our daughter. Truthfully, I probably neglected him a little bit but he totally stopped emotionally supporting me. We fought. A lot. I begged and pleaded for him to move with me back to my hometown. Eventually, after (seriously) the worst shape we’ve ever been in, he agreed and we went.

Things were fine enough. For, literally, like 6/7 months.

Then, he got a job offer out of state (in the city HE grew up). He would be making double what he was making where we were so I couldn’t justify not going.

We bought a house.

We moved.

It ended up being about $2K less a month than was promised. He didn’t find that unreasonable. But now we’re almost struggling and I’m holding some serious resentment for it.

I got pregnant again.

And things started getting bad. It’s like we go through cycles. Things are great, good, iffy, tense, and then bad. Then we have a huge fight and the cycle resets. He’s completely abandoned me emotionally. He doesn’t show up for me. He’s selfish. He sits on his phone instead of paying attention to our kid. Things have never been easy in this relationship and i am really getting resentful about it. He speaks to me so rudely and then, god forbid, I react to it. I don’t want our daughters growing up thinking that this is the way they should be treated. He is unable to empathize with the fact that I’ve had a terribly hard pregnancy and am exhausted, so if dishes are still in the sink or there are toys scattered around the house I’m suddenly “not taking care” of myself.

I mentioned leaving him last night. He doesn’t care to fight for me because he doesn’t want to “force me to stay”. He’ll do whatever I want as far as child support. But wtf am I going to do??? I know that’s it’s better in the long run that my children aren’t exposed to a toxic home life but my god, the guilt is so real. My daughter is starting to really love her daddy. But he’s not showing up for her either and it’s breaking my damn heart. I am totally alone in this marriage. I am totally alone. I know that I put my kids first and that probably hasn’t helped our relationship, but I was raised to put kids first and truly believe they’re the most important. So, I don’t regret it. The truth of the matter is that he never wanted this life. He tried to tell me when we first met but I didn’t listen. I knew he loved me and so I put up with it. And I fought for it. Hard. But he never wanted it. He never planned for it. He didn’t even want kids as quickly as we had (or are having them). I get it. I wasn’t prepared, either. But I adapted. He didn’t adapt. And because of that, he’d be totally fine without us. He even says that he’ll be fine without us.

I even wrote down two lists: One of things that he does that hurts me. And one of things that are good in our relationship. The bad list has 29 things on it. The good list has four. We talked about counseling but he agreed he probably wouldn’t change.

Ugh ugh ugh UGH. So, here I am: 29 weeks pregnant, stay at home mom, thinking of divorce. I don’t make much money yet because my business hasn’t launched, yet. Maybe I get $200 a month because I write some freelance articles for a website. U G H. anyone else in the same or similar boat??? What did you do and how did you do it?

OH ALSO: Here’s another dilemma. We work better apart. So, like, I was just visiting family for two weeks and it was magical for our relationship. So, what if I leave him and then two weeks later, we’re changing our minds?? I’m always the one that gets away in relationships. Always the one taken for granted and then they realize what they had when I’m gone. Always.