Help- Just got out of abusive relationship

I just got out of an abusive relationship and I am on no contact with my ex!!!

I want to say all the bad things about him but I can’t bring up myself to even do that..

It hurts like hell... I’ve been crying a lot 😭😭😭 it seems like my life is ending and I can’t breathe properly...

I was suicidal because of all that was going on... but somehow I collected myself and I broke up with him...so many times but he came back every time saying he can’t live without me and to take him back and I did... but I lost myself with all that going again and again over and over... and I couldn’t take all the emotional and verbal abuse and I finally got out...

He called me names... piece of shit, worthless, fucking slut, rotten piece of shit, how I don’t deserve anything in life, daily commenting on my looks... comparing me with to every girl he knows... he used to do whatever he wanted but he controlled every aspect of my life... from which cloths to wear to where to sit in my own house for having coffee!!! Made me block my good friends of years and I did it all... I am ashamed of myself as to why!!!

And I was to get married to this asshole... don’t know what all he would have done... one time he grabbed me from my arm and pushed me so hard that it was black for days and I showed him that and he said “you want me to say sorry for that or what?” There is no name that he didn’t call me... I have PTSD like symptoms and panic attack just because of him...

There was this girl who was openly in love with him and whenever I talked about her he always took her side... and as soon as I broke up with him he went to her... 😭😭😭

I feel like piece of shit... I did so much for this man... and he has the audacity to say... what have you done for this relationship 😭😭😭

And I am sure he is a narcissist... because all the things I have read on the internet scrams that he is... so I don’t want to fall back into that trap... that’s why I blocked him everywhere...

I am so angry at myself for staying so long just in the hope that he’ll change... and I don’t know how to deal with this...it’s just a lot a lot a lot a lot... my headache doesn’t seem to go away... I can’t stop crying... I am extremely weak and can’t even get out of bed....

Can anyone please help how to process all this...and be little bit fine 😭😭😭

Edit: thank you so much to all who have replied... I am taking the suggestion of 2 lists... and see how it works out for me... I can’t thank you enough for responding to my posts... you all are amazing human beings 😭