Extremely long post- year worth’s of emotions! -part 2

During those 3 days of wedding celebrations, all I did was cry because for me it was no longer my wedding, just some act I had to put together in front of a huge crowd. My parents were so worried throughout, they were worried that the groom's family might create a big scene in front of all the attendees if they didn't like what they see., even though that shouldn't have been the case since we fulfilled their entire list of demands. My mom wanted me to buy some jewelry for me, but I couldn't let her, they had already done enough. After all the expenses, this was the last thing I wanted to put pressure on them for, but it kept hitting them too that rather than wasting so much money on random people, they could have done so much more for their kids.

After the wedding as per the Indian culture, the bride needs to live in the groom's house with his family forever. I personally do not agree with that, I see everything from the lens of fairness and equality, if a woman is expected to leave her family and her house of 30 years in a single night to live with a man’s family, why isn't the same expected from him? Why is it only the girl who has to go through that and the groom can be happy receiving gifts for himself and his family and his relatives and living with them in peace and all the burden is on the girl and her family. But it happens all over India and there was no way I could fight this after the earlier fight that I had already lost.

As per the Indian tradition, the day after the wedding the newlyweds visit the girl's family, in an attempt to make the girl feel better. That tradition too was turned around, because my mil demanded that the entire family visit my place, and when they leave they should be provided with gifts- again- cash, sweet boxes, clothes and organize good lunch for everyone. Because my mom was so stressed after the wedding, she was suffering from fever, so there was no way they could have managed to deal with this huge a crowd again. So she called my mil and explained to her that for now we can just to do the ritual if just me and my husband could go and maybe a week later she could invite everyone for lunch and give them the gifts. My mil agreed only to complain soon after that my parents didn't respect them the way groom's family is supposed to be respected for this ritual.

That very same night, me and my new family went out to dinner, only to hear the sarcastic comment by my sister in law how my brother was not wearing new clothes for an event as big his sister's wedding. I knew why that happened, there was no money left. My parents bought clothes worth only $300 in total and the total money we spent on gifts for my in laws accounted to $5000. My husband knew why that happened, I immediately had a tear in my eye, and was silently wishing my husband said something, but he joined in their laughs. That's my husband!

We were in India for 2 weeks after the wedding because my husband wanted me to “spend time” with his family. Those were the worst days of my life because all I did was suffered mental harassment from my mother in law who kept demanding that I show her what jewelry my mom had given me, what clothes did my family buy for me etc. Initially I just nodded my head and gradually started avoiding being alone with her just to avoid being asked again. Avoiding wasn't an option for me either because right after the very first time I avoided sitting alone with her for 5 minutes, he warned that these actions are not right and will have consequences. I was shocked and disappointed, I thought that even though my husband had not supported me or the right thing in the past, he can at least witness the behavior of his mom towards me and understand what I'm made to go through, instead he did the opposite. He came to me with his mom's request that she wanted to see everything that I got from my parent's house, I told him I'm not comfortable with this behavior, it's invasion of my privacy but all he said was these things are small and I shouldn't give it the importance that it does not deserve. Imagine a stranger wanting to probe into your bag to see what your mother did and did not get you. Not wanting to stretch the topic further, I wiped my tears away and went to sit with his mom, tears filled in my eyes and everyone around me including my husband laughing and joking. The moment I sat next to her, her hands started crawling through my  neck and my feet  to see what I was wearing. I wasn't comfortable with her way of touching but I didn't dare leave and I had to have a smile on my face throughout showing I was ok and a happy new bride.

I cried every day in that house, and the only consolation that I got back was- now this is your family , you need to make all the efforts to accept them and they will gradually start liking you. But what did I do to make them dislike me in the first place, I wondered?

The next day I was supposed to leave for my old house to spend the last 2 days with my parents. Needless to say after being mentally tortured in that environment, I was dying to leave at the earliest. While I was packing, my mil who could barely walk, climbed 20 stairs to come all the way to the room where I was packing and demanded that I show her what my mom gave me for clothes and jewelry, she just wouldn't budge till I did what she wanted. Exactly the same why she didn't budge till my family fulfilled all the demands that she wanted in the honor of their family. My husband was right there, he could see how ridiculous this behavior was, not only was this invasion of my privacy, my husband knew that I did not have any piece of jewelry because we were not left with anything after fulfilling their demands. But as usual and as expected, he did nothing to stop his mom to make me go through this. She then asked that I leave all the jewelry that had been gifted to me by her in India, because she was not comfortable that I take that away with me to wear. Since I didn't have anything to wear, I said that at least for a few months that I'm newly married, I can wear those, she argued and argued and kept pressurizing me to leave those with her. Since I had already packed, I told her that I'll return to her at the airport as it was difficult to open the bag and search for it. Through all this and everything that had happened earlier, my husband was right there listening and just sitting there with no expressions on his face. Throughout this time, through all the events and many more, I kept giving my husband the benefit of doubt that all this is new for him too, maybe he is not able to manage his family and me, maybe I need to be more supportive. I wiped off my tears blaming myself for not supporting him more.

Finally I left that house.

People who came to meet me at my parent's house couldn't believe what I was looking like, my eyes were swollen from all the crying, my face all dull and sad, I definitely did not look like a girl who was just 1.5 weeks into marriage. Even in those 2-3 days, my husband kept passing on the demands of his family to me- I should have left my wedding dress and all my clothes at his place, I should have gone to the airport from his place (even though my place is closer). Explaining all the logic in the world made no difference to him, all he wanted was for me to show his family how much they mean to me and how willing I am to accept them as my new family and forget my old one. To him it was not important how I was feeling, it was not important for him to see that I wanted to spend the last few minutes of drive towards the airport with my family.

We flew back to the United States, and I was so relieved to be back, now there was no one to torture me, no one to make bad remarks, no one for my husband to push me around for, but I was wrong, again. The peace was very short-lived.

Around 2 weeks later, We were in the temple one day and in the middle of nowhere my husband complained that my family had not given enough cash to my in laws and their relatives. I was used to being shocked at his behavior, but I thought maybe being in that kind of environment in India and the fact that this was the only thing his  family talked about day and night made him react that way. But his family was not stopping even now. I didn't know how to react, the expectation was that I tell my family that they disappointed my in laws and they should call and apologize, or maybe even go to their house with more gifts and beg for forgiveness for disrespecting them by not giving enough. Maybe they thought they/ or their son were worth a lot more, but I saw what my family had already gone through, I could not make them go through this hell anymore, so I didn't utter a word to them.