Calling It What It Is: Rape.

***************POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING****************

Rape: "The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus, with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim."

After knowing this definition, I have a hard time now thinking all those times weren't r*pe. When a person thinks of r*pe they think of full penetration with a penis into the vagina or anus. (This is at least how I viewed it before knowing the actual definition. Thanks to society's take on rape and sexual assult.) But a lot of my r*pes weren't with a penis though. They were with fingers and even though I know it was r*pe it feels odd calling it that to other people, AKA society.

Because I had someone say to me, "Oh so it wasn't the real kind of r*pe. It wasn't the bad kind. SInce it wasn't real r*pe you really shouldn't be as bothered by it as you have been. You need to get over it." That statement pretty much made me die inside... And, it was my (ex) best friend of 17 years when I called her crying about what had happened. I was called a slut by her and others. I was blamed for what I was or was not wearing. I was blamed if I had been drinking. I was told I had led the r*pist on. I was told I couldn't press charges because that would "hurt his family too badly" and he was "really a good man".

As a survivor and a helper to other survivors present and future, I am going to put an end to this painful ignorance.

Still, after her/they all saying that, it has been hard for me to tell others for fear of being jugded or having what happened to me and countless others minimized.

People say I am weak or an attention seeker. No. I am NOT weak. Try walking in my shoes. It's a daily battle. I'm always exhausted. I'm always in pain. I have body memories. I feel it happening all over again. I have nightmares. I have literal scars internally from some of the more invasive and forced violent assaults. And I know that is forward, but I don't want people to go on their merry way with blinders to the pain we hold only to throw it back in our faces by saying "Get help. But no one wants to hear that." So I'm not allowed to speak my truth? And no, please, I don't want pity. I don't even want anyone to comment on this but if you want to you can. What I want is a societal shift in thinking and handling r*pe survivors and more understanding so the status quo of protecting r*pists and shaming and blaming survivors stops.

Don't judge me or any other survivor for how we process and heal. It's a personal journey. And it's terrifying. Please know that what happened to you isn't your fault ever, no matter what anyone says, including yourself.

Let us put these sickos in their place and dig a hole in the ground and bury them with shame! Our shame that we have been carrying for so long! Bury them so deep they will never get out and will forever be reminded of what they have done and will see how we have succeeded in life despite their fruitless efforts of tearing us down! WE HAVE OVERCAME THEM! WE ARE SURVIVORS AND THEY ARE THE ONES WHO WILL SUFFER!!! F*CK THEM!!! We are champions and we will always support one another!

My PM is always open, you are NOT ALONE. No matter if it happened once or a 1000 times, or when you were young or when you were older. Your story is still valid. And you deserve to heal.