Marriage without intimacy?

Question

Hi everyone 
So I’ve been married for 3 years and I have a 6 months old baby girl. We had never been intimate with each other prior to our wedding. 
The first let’s say 7-8 months of our marriage we were doing great being intimate really often both satisfied with this aspect of our life. Then I caught him watching THAT type of videos... Really really really put me off we talked about it he apologised etc etc but it lead to me loosing self confidence and being very resentful. He around the same time started working night shifts. So we could go like 3 weeks a month without touching each other. 
Then we had some problems in our marriage we were fighting like every other day both working a lot... And then I caught him watching porn again. At this point I was really mad sad etc, for me its a big deal and he agrees he shouldn’t be doing that. Apologies again etc etc but by then I was a bit disgusted and had really lost all attraction so the rare times where he tried to initiate something I would subtly avoid it. Then I got pregnant, then I had my baby... so in the last year we’ve been intimate like 5 times. The relationship between us is respectful healthy we love each other and our baby we fight we compromise... a normal married life I think. 
But intimacy wise it’s just a mess we both sort of resent each other we’re both not so interested by it anymore even if none of us is really okay with the situation. Tried to talk to him about it yesterday, he just told me that he had felt rejected too many times and he just felt that he wasn’t interested in sex anymore. I asked what I could do, he just said « nothing I don’t know, it’ll improve with time..... » but I don’t think it will. I really don’t want to be intimate I’m not in the mood and he doesn’t make me want to, i don’t miss it, but it hurts knowing that he’s not interested anymore and i want to have that proximity with him...! 
I don’t know what to do, where to start, if anybody went through something similar or has any ideas it’d be great 
Thanksssss in advance

Answer

Definitely marriage counseling at this point.

Answer

Im going to ask you something Ive asked hundreds of other women- Why, OH WHY, would you marry a guy who had different values than you in this area? If this is something important to you, and is a problem in your relationship,  then why wouldn't you marry a man who shares this value? I never understand. How would you feel if he just EXPECTED you to change your values on this, the way you're expexting him to? That's not really fair, is it? To get with him, then expect him to change his ideas of right and wrong to match yours when you're not willing to do the same...? Honestly, hon, in my experience this is a recipe for disaster. Counseling or not. You cannot counsel someone into changing their values anymore than you can counsel yourself into changing yours. You can't build a healthy, lasting marriage with someone if you don't share the important values and relationship boundaries. Unfortunately,  couples who get married to people with opposite values generally end up divorced, or in a resentful, unhappy marriage.  I would try counseling, but I would manage your expectations.  It is very unlikely his values on this will change. What is more likely is he will learn to hide it better until the next time you catch him. This is just why it is so important to be really careful with who you marry and make sure you're on the same page prior to marriage. Best of luck, whatever happens.

Answer

fake it til ya make it. until you get past it set up times to be intimate. sounds like crazy life has gotten in the way some too. plan at least once a week or every other week. eventually it should come back. just gotta take that first step and want to fix it.

Answer

It’s just a simple fact that there’s fine lines. A lot of men watch porn on OCCASION because they are aroused and find masturbating without some type of stimulation isn’t enough to get off. Or it’s just a faster way to get off. Other men are addicted to it and watch porn for hours a day and live in some form of fantasy land. My point is I don’t think I know very many men at all who have never watched some form of porn in their lifetime. Not that’s it ok, I get it, it’s nasty etc. makes you feel dejected or not good enough etc. while usually men don’t think as in depth about it as women. It helps them get off so they watch for a minute kind of thing. No intrinsic thought put into it. Also if a man feels rejected or like he can’t please you or is afraid and tired of hearing no then yes eventually he will stop trying. You can calmly talk to him about how you feel about porn , in a way that doesn’t make him feel like now you even further don’t want him and judge him and make him feel like he’s disgusting for it. Believe it or not men have feelings too. If you feel strongly about it then yes talk to him about it. Or tell him WHY you don’t like it. Be open and honest. And then maybe find a babysitter once a week for both of your sakes to have alone time. If he wants some excitement then go buy some lingerie. Him watching porn on occasion and you two not having sex because of your schedules and not communicating doesn’t necessarily mean you need counseling.  Shit like this happens to a lot of people and doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed.

Marriage without intimacy?

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