So here I am again. The girl with the dream about God telling me He dislikes my relationship and I cancelled my wedding half a month before the date. (Sorry for this long post)

So yeah we broke up finally in april. I went back to St.kitts got right with God, focused on God and med school. I was feeling better. I was not crying anymore, laughing and smiling more. I felt that I was doing the right thing and that God made me feel that way. I still had thoughts about him and I prayed for him every day for God to change him and let hin have a real experience with the Lord. And of course one part me always questioned myself if he really changed by the time he (my ex) asked for a second opportunity.

Well like 2 weeks and a half ago he contacted me, asking for an opportunity. It seemed like he really suffered for me all this time and that he was really repented for the way he treated me. He said just the right words. For the firsr time I thought “Am I letting him go because I really don’t want anything with him or because it is the easy way to not have any more problems with my family?” (My family din’t like him that much and I was practically divided all the time which I didn’t like because I’m close with my family.) Anyway I did fasting and praying and I even went to a pshycologist because I wanted to be sure that was I was feeling, that everything seemed ok, wasn’t just part of my imagination or me trying to make it seem right.

So yeah I went to the psychologist I was not being irrational I felt ok, so we started talking. I didn’t went right back to him. I wanted him to show me that he really changed. Plus I knew that because of how he used to be I would be all defensive (which I tried not to), but there were just time I couldn’t help it. So we had a few small discussions within the first days but we managed to talk through it without yelling or being disrespectful from his side and communicating. I liked that.

This other night he felt I was not in love with him, which I had to be honest and tell him I was not feeling butterflies or in the clouds for him like before. And he had to understand that because he hurt me a lot and During the time We were not together I had my mind set on getting over him. But I did felt I still loved him, and that I hoped that with time and him getting my trust back. I would fall for him again. Which I understand I wasn’t mean to him or anything. That night I had so much anxiety because I did wanted to feel in love but i think I was scared to let myself feel for him again because of the past.

The other day he sent a morning test, and I felt the butterflies and how I tried to not feel them. So i tried to evaluate myself on why I did that. That led to a lot of thoughts. And those thoughts scared me so much. But it was because I started doubting if this is what God wanted. I mean he made me feel all this time that it was ok to get away from him. I mean I had a dream!! So why get back to him? And then I tried to be rational. Everything was right, we weren’t doing anything wrong, he was repented. I believe people can change and he seemed like he really was putting effort to not be like he was before and makes thing right. Including trying to make things better with my family and being in abstinence and going to church etc. Everything seemed right so I thought that I had an irrational fear.

I went to the psychologist again, i told her everything. She did confirmed that it was irrational. But something didn’t convince me. So I started reading more the Bible to see if it said anything about what I felt, I read about fears a lot of things. Mean while I explained everything to him. And I was feeling really bad, I didn’t want to feel this way because everything seemed right with him. And i was starting to let myself feel for him again. But I couldn’t feel sure if getting back with him was what God wanted. And I just needed peace. Because I know that when things are right and for us, God let us feel peace. The same peace I felt when I left him.

There was a day the fear dissapeared but i still could feel something, restlessness. I had to accept that I did everything I can do as a human to stop that, but that with God not everything has an explanation and not everything is rational. And I recognize that the Holy Spirit can makes us feel this things. So based on that I told him that I still felt the restlesness, that little voice, and that I knew that if i kept fighting it that would dissapear. But I was scared that I wouldn’t be getting over a fear, i was scared that i was going to stop or shutting the voice of God through the holy spirit.

Still I tell him that I won’t “break up” with and i suggest to pray together. He didn’t wanted. He was tired and hurt that I felt that way. And he was mad. And he just started making like fun of he. He said that he wasn’t going to talk to me until God confirmed him that I am the one and he can feel secure. He started acting very immature saying sorry for being born, for not being able to live up to my expectatives. He tried to “break up”. Then he said something about my sister which I didn’t liked. Cause he used to talk bad about my family. I told him I was going to talk to him when I get home from group studying. When I was studying he sent a lot of text saying that he couldn’t believe that he couldn’t express how he felt, that i wasn’t the only one that felt sad and bad. He then made another show saying that he hoped that i was having fun with my friends ( i was studying).

In general I didn’t like anything he did after he talked bad about my sister so I was decided to just leave things how there were and stop trying. Because of all that, because he made fun of my believes, he was making a scene for nothing because I was studying not having fun. And he did try to break up like 3 times before. I mean if you have being suffering for me this whole time, when things get hard your are not going to stop trying the first time. And I understand how he felt. I mean I know it wasn’t easy to try and make the girl you loved but the same girl you hurt to trust you again and trust that she can fall in love again without being hurt like before. Also you don’t make fun of her believes when you know they are important to her. And I was trying all I could I went to the pshycologist, I tried to fight what I felt and still I tell you to pray to see if that makes me feel better and because it is a good opportunity to get closer to each other and with God, and you don’t want to? He expressed he wanted to get closer to God, then why don’t you try to understand how I feel? The good fear of not getting apart from God? Oh and I call him to tell him all of this and he just hangs up because he is mad.

Guess what, when I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea to continue trying because of what I mentioned before. He told me I wasn’t worth it. He used my past against me, again, to insult and make fun of me. He said “you didn’t need a confirmation to be with someone in specific” . That someone wasn’t the one either or a good choice but it was my error my past. Like he has his errors and his past and he doesn’t has to bring that to the table. Oh and he ended that conversation with a literal translation from a phrase in spanish “ go shit on your mother”.

So yeah he didn’t changed. When things got bad he did bad. Just like before. And i felt i was being bad because he said I didn’t understand him. But still there is no need to be disrespectful, right?