You exisited You were there

This is not for anyone's comments. I just need a place to post to grieve to get my thought's down. So here it goes. I woke up today with the knowledge that you were there. That faint but darker line ment you were still there. I woke up with the urge to test for the 5th time just to see if the line got darker as i have not had a period. But when i looked i bearly saw the line it was not darker but less then the very first test i took to show i was finally pregnant after a year and a half of trying for you. From the time i found out you were there i had spotting and bleeding then back to spotting then no bleeding back to spotting then full on bleeding for 3 days then poof nothing no bleeding. I never had cramps besides one time. The very first night i started to bleed by morning nothing. I should have gone to the doctor but i did not and for that im sorry. I prayed your brother prayed my mom and sister in law prayed but today our prayers were not answered but squashed. I cried and talked and sat and stood in the shower with my husband for an hour. I had to tell your Grammy and your aunty your daddy and your brother that you were gone as those 2 people are the only ones i told i was expecting. I deleated the photos and the announcement photo of big brother that hurt to do so but if i did not i would just keep looking back and dwell on you and ponder and wonder and thats not good for me. I am crying and hurt but i hope in time the pain will go away. The pain of knowing you were there you just could not last or stick. Who knows mabie you would have been a very sick baby and would not have lived for long i dont know why God blessed me with you even for a short time. They say oh you will be fine it was just a chemical pregnancy but you were a pregnancy you were there you mattered. I told my self not to be excited but yesterday i felt my belly and i was plumpy just for a split second. Then this morning after seeing that test it made me wonder was i picturing it did i just feel what i wanted to feel but then i looked back at the other tests and i know your were real its just hard to picture you not ever being born. You would have been born in April the first of anyone in my whole family on my hubbys side and mine you would have been a spring baby. I know why you could not stick because mommy has been so stressed lately that her body just could not hold onto you and for that im sorry. Daddy tried to tell mommy dont stress but with everything going on in our life right now it was just to hard not to stress. You were loved and wanted im just so sorry we will never get to meet you. If there is a God i hope i get to see you one day. You were here you existed you mattered you were loved and i wanted you more then you know i love you baby B please say hi to your grandparents and your adopted aunt. Till now Good bye Baby B. Mommy and daddy love you.