Never felt worse

Anyone else ever find themselves completely dissociating after dealing with depression for so long? I want to die, SO badly. My son (9 months) has always been my reason to keep going and the reason I always said I couldn’t kill myself, but these last few days I find myself not even wanting to be a mom and just wanting to die. He deserves better than me, I can barely take care of us lately and it seems like he’s depressed too if that’s even possible for a baby. My husband is leaving and after the last 20 months of our lives being downhill and shit, i just can’t do it anymore. I can’t be a single mom when I can barely take care of myself even. I just feel like there’s no light at the end of this and I should give up now.