Ladies, I need moral support

This is hard to admit. It’s hard to lay it out there... I’m sorry for being anonymous but I’m embarrassed and ashamed to even be in this situation and have it gone this far.

My husband of 8 years has cheated on me time and time again.... yet I wanted to see the best in him and I stupidity stayed each time. He gaslighted me so hard that I’ve endured emotional and psychological abuse.

I honestly believed that things were different THIS time. He was attending church, he was honest about his phone and social media accounts, he was making me feel special, treating me with respect AND love. Honestly, he was becoming the man I needed and wanted. He was being the father we needed him to be (we have two children).

I finally felt my cold heart begin to melt again. I felt myself falling in love again. I finally was able to forgive him and actually be happy to spend time with him again.

Then... he tells me about his “fuck up”... apparently he was trying to help his “homie” out by having him meet one of his female coworkers. Then the three of them went out to town, got super drunk (she was vomiting over and over), and in “fear that she might choke on her own vomit in her apartment” he brought her to HIS apartment, along with his homie and took care of both of them.

He claims that she tried to make passes at him and that he pushed her away. He eventually passed out only to wake up to her on top of him and he’s INSIDE her. He claims that she sexually assaulted him.

Facts: he told me AFTER we ended up having sex the night before... and after he later discovered that she is filing for “sexual assault” herself. Whether or not my husband sexually assaulted her or vice versa doesn’t matter to me... there’s no coming back for him. I don’t care if he doesn’t have anyone else to turn to... I can’t forgive him anymore. I can’t be his wife anymore. I want out.

I already have the divorce papers drafted. I haven’t been able to talk to ANYONE about this. I had to get it off my chest though because it’s been killing me on the inside. I’ve beat myself up enough over the years. I remained loyal and honest with him. I have loved him MORE than I loved myself. I wanted to trust him again, to love him again, to make us WORK.

But he fucked up. I told myself last year that if he so much as texted another female I would be out. He surpassed it this time. Even if he truly WAS sexually assaulted, he had no business having her in his apartment. (Side note: we live in different cities due to work).

Just looking for support in this. I’m out here alone away from family and close friends. Thank you for hearing me out.