sad venting *LONG* trigger?

i’m just gonna vent here because idk where else to say this . i have no one else who would understand where i am coming from either and also i don’t like telling other people i know my feelings or showing them that side of me .

i have 3 kids and 2 baby daddy’s . i am single and have been for like i wanna say a year and a half ? don’t know.

my first relationship with the 1st baby daddy was pretty bad. we hooked up and bam i was pregnant so we ended up getting into a relationship. it was the worst relationship. it was nothing but him constantly cheating and beating me and emotionally abusing me. i couldn’t even enjoy anything anymore it was so bad . even sex felt like rape . i ended up pregnant with our 2nd . well i stayed for a whole 3 years because my childhood was so messed up all i wanted was for my kids to have a home where their parents were together . i worked so hard for that but got nothing in return but abuse. i had finally left.

met this guy at work and started a relationship with him. it was great at first . he loved me . loved my kids . he spoiled us. made me feel beautiful. it was great. he had proposed and i said yes. welllllll , things turned. he started to become outrageously controlling. i wasn’t allowed to work because there were guys around. i wasn’t allowed to go out shopping without him because there were guys . i had to deleteall of social media . disconnect my phone . cut my family off. i was not even allowed to go visit my siblings. but he would say “it’s okay . you have everything with me. i got you a car you have this you have that you have my family” i was not and never will be with someone for their money . he had no trust in me what so ever which i did not understand because i had never did anything to him to make him feel this way. i ended up leaving him.

i met this guy and it was just a one night stand . cool. well just my luck . i find out i was pregnant . told the guy . he said he wanted absolutely nothing to do with the baby . told me to get an abortion or do anything i possibly can do for a miscarriage. and if i decided i was gonna keep the baby then he said not to tell anyone that it’s his. k , whatever . i had no problem with that . kept the baby.

so here i am today a single mom of 3 . and i’ve had my guard so high up with guys that i feel i will not be able to let the walls down. i am scared. i’m tired of hurt. but i am becoming so lonely. i want love. but i won’t allow myself to receive it.

then i start thinking , “well no one wants you anyways . you have 3 kids and 2 baby daddy’s. all you do is work and have no time for anyone else besides your kids. no one wants you . all they want is sex”

and if i was to even try to start dating i don’t have a babysitter because i am literally on my own . yes the other two go with their dad here and there but my youngest is always with me . i don’t want to bring him in my dates . i don’t want anyone around my kids . so how do i even try if i don’t even go out ?

idk what’s wrong with me . .

i’m 23. and i’m thinking i’m better off getting my tubes tied and being alone forever. lol .