He lied to me. Again.

We've been together 1.5 years. To explain everything as quickly as I can, he had an emotional affair with two of his college friends. Told me he didn't like them anymore before and after we went official, ended up lying about it. Kept me a secret from both of them for more than two months, they only found out he had a gf because we went Facebook official. He was still having flirtatious conversations and posting snap stories with heart eyes. I didn't think anything of it because I trusted him and he told me not to worry about it. Seven or so months after going official is when I found out he still liked both of them and was having flirtatious convos. I had to put two and two together myself because he tried to play it off and lied to me about everything even though the evidence was in front of both of our faces. He didn't admit anything until about a month after we fought about it.

In addition to that whole situation, he also always talked about his ex the first few months we were together. He constantly compared us and even told me that we wore the same perfume. He said "you can't get mad that she was a big part of my life", like I don't understand. Obviously I know and can't change that, but don't talk about her like you're using me to fill a void she left. He lied about watching porn (don't argue with me on this- I'm more hurt that he can't be honest about something so fucking small), multiple times. He has lied to me about many different things, and many different times, and is upset that I don't trust him.

It's been a year since I found out about his emotional affairs and I am still trying to move past it. He didn't physically cheat but he was taking the steps to get there, and was already emotionally involved with these two. His reason for doing it was because he felt pressured to date me because he didn't want to lose me and was still testing the waters out. Don't fucking ask someone to be your girlfriend if you're still exploring your options...what a selfish fuck.

Last night, I was looking at his ig account on his phone (I hadn't looked at his phone for two weeks; I asked him beforehand and we are ok with looking through each others' phones). He searched one of the emotional affair friends. I asked him about it and he told me it was from when I looked at his phone last. It wasn't. She had posted about eight new pictures since then and there was that "2 new posts" notification next to her username, meaning he had looked at her profile before posting those two new pictures. It was at most three days ago since that was the last photo she posted before her last two. Still, with evidence, he tried to play it off. He LIED to me. Again. About something SO FUCKING SMALL. Why can't you just fucking admit it?!

So I said I'm going to unfollow her (blocked and unfollowed the other girl, but not this one because they're "friends"), and he said no because THEY'RE FRIENDS, so I didn't. I took my phone and grabbed my towel to shower when he said "I came over to sleep with you, not have a bad time" to which I responded with "and I stayed with you, expecting _____ and _____ to not be a problem anymore, but they still are". So he picked up his phone and unfollowed her himself, but only after asking "what am I supposed to tell her if she asks me why?", and I said "the truth". I showered alone and got into bed. We started getting into it again and he told me I sucked at moving on. I said he sucked at being reassuring (an issue we had spoken about many times) and helping me move on, because he can't let go of two girls he said meant nothing, and that I didn't know why he was still here if he didn't even want to be with me in the first place and that he she go be with the IG friend if he missed her so much. He turned away and angrily said "I'm going to sleep, we talked about this a million times", then I said "you're trying to save your relationship with a 'friend' just to fuck up your relationship with me". He would respond to something like this, but he just stayed silent.

I couldn't sleep so I kept crawling in and out of bed for about an hour. Before I went to sleep, I sat up in bed and started crying. He woke up and started rubbing my back and asked me to lie down next to him. I did after two.minutes or so. I fell asleep and he later cuddled up next to me and apologized mid-sleep.

I love him but I'm still hurt. I have been trying my best to move past thus but I feel like I'm still stuck in the same place I was a year ago. It always hurts to look at him. And he is only angry at me for still being hurt and not trusting him. I don't know what to do. Logically, leaving him in the best and only option. Maybe I'm too hopeful that he will finally commit to me and stop thinking about other girls, but maybe I'm just lying to myself.