I didn’t want it 💔

I want to take this out of my chest.

Since the day I knew I was pregnant literally I begged to God to let me push my baby. I have a skin condition, as you can see, called keloid and I’m sure most of you know what it is. I knew this will happen if I ended being a c-section. I gave birth in Puerto Rico where they usually end doing c-section just to finish with you quickly and obviously to get more money... this will sound mean but it’s a reality, it happens a lot!

During my whole pregnancy I did exercise as much as my body let me, at least one day at the gym, walk a lot, did everything in my power to avoid it. Everything was good during whole pregnancy, no pain during contractions (I didn’t even know when I had them), no pain at all during the pregnancy, literally NO PAIN AT ALL. On due date, my dr told me to go to the hospital because she had c-sections that day but she wanted me to be checked. I wasn’t even in 1cm when she checked my pressure and suddenly that day I had my pressure high and told me I was going to have a c-section... by the time she checked she already was arguing that I shouldn’t eat that day because I was going to be induced. Deep down, I knew that my baby was going to be ok one or two more weeks and probably could push the baby out. I wanted that so bad but she kept arguing and I was already crying like crazy, I was so mad and felt so betrayed because she knew my condition and I knew that my pressure was high because of her. I felt like the whole world was crushing me and I couldn’t do anything.

During the c-section I was so desperate that everything I wanted didn’t matter. My husband hold me with his life during the process and I will always love that man because I know no one will ever do the same. I’m praying if one day I get pregnant find a better drs and support system that help me with a VBAC.

About the post, don’t get me wrong, I know my baby’s life could be in danger when I had the high pressure but something keeps telling me the contrary. A year and three months later, after all the pain (mentally and physically) I still can’t deal with my c-section and from time to time I see it and feel traumatized from that day that I’m hoping that one day I can let it go. Don’t get me wrong, nothing of this has to do with my baby, I love her with my whole life and I will gave my life for hers with no doubt, but sometimes I can’t open up and talk with people about this because they understand everything but what I say.

sorry for the long post