No one likes me and it’s not changing

I know this is long but please please please I’m begging just one person to read this and care. Please. I need someone.

My entire life I’ve had no friends. K that’s kinda a lie. I’ve had “friends”. I can remember a time in my life when I thought I had a million friends. When ppl would actually acknowledge me. Sure they said mean stuff while we were together (that’s been happening my whole life) but at least they actually talked to me. Now, I have no one. At every birthday party I can remember half the girls wouldn’t show up and the other half would be total jerks. Every year they’d make me cry so eventually I just stopped having parties.

One year I had gotten a brand new dress and had my hair cut and styled for my bday. My mom also spent like $150 buying “spa” kits for all of the girls and I was SO excited. Like it was a huge deal to me because it was gonna be this big fun night and instead of getting a gift my parents had paid more than they usually did for my gift to get these girls what I thought was super cool. Anyway half of the girls that said they were coming just didn’t show up because they decided it would be boring or made other plans. The girls who did show up made fun of me the entire time for having a spa themed party. Within the first 30 minutes someone pulled out a bunch of bottles of whipped cream. A girl literally JUMPED on my back while everyone else squirted it on me. I was screaming and crying for them to stop but they didn’t until I was completely covered in sticky sugary crap. I had to shower and my styled hair was ruined. My brand new dress - disgusting. After that we went to play hide and go seek. I was supposed to find ppl so while I counted they ran to my room and locked me out. They talked about me the entire night and read my journals. Finally they let me in and said I had to sleep in my top bunk while they were on the floor huddled together.

There are worse things ppl (my friends) have said/done to me but I could spend years talking about them so I’ll spare you and just make a short list:

• “hahaha you’re so fat.”

• “wow how’d you get so ugly”

• “don’t smile you’re too ugly it’s scary”

• “if u were in a movie you’d be the fat or ugly girl”

• I had to sit at least ten feet away from kids at all times during lunch because “my healthy food was disgusting”

• “are you wearing mascara cause u look sooooo ugly”

• “this is y no one likes u”

• “u need to learn how to dress”

• “you’re bad at everything”

• more but I’m tired and crying

My mom’s an incredible artist. My dad was an incredible athlete. I’ve always wanted to be good at sports and art. One year my church was having its annual 5k and my mom decided not to design the T-shirts. They had a bunch of ppl from the church enter designs and I spent HOURS working on one. I didn’t think it’d win but I really wished it would. Now the same girl that told me I was bad at everything wanted me to run the 5k with her since no one else would. I said yeah and trained super hard since I’m not much of a runner. Well the day of the race I walk in the door and this little girl runs up and screams YOUR T-SHIRT DESIGN WON!!! It was literally the best moment of my life and then that girl walks up and tells me she won’t run the 5k w me because she’s too jealous and I “stole her moment.”

Not the point. this is all stupid and not even that bad. Anyway, I’m not that ugly. Guys (often much older guys) hit on me all the time. Ppl often mistake me for being older. I’m 5’7” and 120-125 lbs and I’m a cup B.It’s not in my head I’m not just insecure. Ppl have actually said to me “glad we’re friends now cause I can finally tell you I’ve thought you are so immature and annoying for years! Like it drives me insane how stupid u are!”

But I’m not stupid. Adults say I’m mature for my age all the freakin time. But to kids my age that seems to equal weird. I’ve had straight A’s my entire life and yet if I could have a dollar for every time ppl have told me I’m too stupid. Also btw I’m an extrovert. I used to think I was the life of the party. That’s y year after year of being treated like crap at my parties I still tried to have them and hung out with these jerks. And believe me I reached out. To pretty much every person I met and I kept being kind and trying to make friends. Br eventually it got to a point where I’d invite ppl over and everyone would say no. I went for 9 months without being invited anywhere. Girls at my church would walk up to me and ask “Are u going to the sleepover? Oh wait sorry I forgot u weren’t invited” even tho girls two years older and younger than me were. Finally after years of crying myself to sleep and wanting to die, (I never actually considered killing myself. I’m a Christian and “knew” I guess that wasn’t allowed cause it’d be abusing my body created by God. But I still wanted to. I wanted to skip all this crap and just go to heaven where I wouldn’t have to feel lonely) my parents switched me to a different school. I was the “new girl” and everyone talked to me. I made actual friends who were kind. This really nice guy liked me and for the first time because of my personality not my 18-year-old-looking body. And then my parents moved us. Two hours away. Partly because the girls at my church were still being mean. Actually that’s the only reason they considered moving, because I’d cry for 6 hours straight wondering why no one could accept me.

But finally they had and now that’s gone. And I hate it here. It’s been a while. I’ve kept an open mind because I don’t want to be alone forever. I keep looking back on my life and feeling sad because it’s never really been ok. Even when I had “friends” that talked to me they never really cared or were nice. I was always just there for them to use. They treated me like some object they could just make fun of and call names and I wouldn’t feel anything and then they expected me to be there for them and comfort them and I did. I’m such a pleaser I was always nice. Anyway two girls talk to me here. They’re both very shallow and kind of mean and that’s it. I feel like life will never get better. But at the same time I feel so guilty. My life could be so much worse. There are kids being beaten by their parents and kids that are actually bullied. I know I shouldn’t need friends because I’m never alone I have God. And honestly if I didn’t have him I wouldn’t still be here which may be pathetic but it’s true. And I know I need to have joy despite circumstances but it’s just hard. I feel guilty but also exhausted from being so unliked. I just wish I could have one good encouraging friend and just a couple of good memories of my childhood before it’s completely wasted and over.

And that’s my rant. It’s not in my head. my parents who have cried much over me as well can testify to that. It’s not that I don’t try because I do trust me you don’t even know. It’s just that I’m too weird or annoying or ugly or immature. I’ll never be enough for ppl it seems. And Maybe it is just to keep straightening my faith but whatever it is it sucks and I want it to end.