Advice Need

Hi Ladies, this is my first time posting. I left my Husband of 10 years, 3 and a half months ago due multiple reasons (including abuse). I am seeing him tomorrow for a joint counselling session in which I plan on reading him the following letter, telling him we are over. Can you ladies let me know what you think. Please be gentle with me in the comments, i am a little fragile at the moment. Sorry it is long

______,-

After taking these past months to reflect on our relationship, I have come to realise a couple of key issues in our relationship.

First off is the abuse.

You say that you don’t want to hurt me, but when you push me into walls, doors, stairs and furniture, destroy my property, scream at me an inch from my face, tower over me, physically prevent me from leaving, refuse repeated requests to leave my space, accuse me of running away when I leave to calm down, scream at me through doors, Try to break through the doors, threaten to kill yourself if I leave you. These acts are purposefully designed to hurt, intimidate, and control me. This is abuse. And it is not ok.

I feel like you say and do these things because you know it will hurt me, because at that point you want to hurt me, because you feel attacked, and you know that no matter how much you hurt me I won’t leave, that I will stay. That I will let you treat me this way, that you can get away with it because I will stay, because I let you.

But _____, I should not have to ask to you not to abuse me.

I should not have to explain to you why what you did was abuse.

And I should not have to explain why it is not ok for you to treat me this way.

Secondly,

I have come to realise that the other core reason for most of conflict, arises out of differences in how we view our marriage. You enjoy when you come home, and I have dinner prepared, and while you can cook, you now prefer when I take the responsibilities for planning and cooking meals. The same goes for cleaning and laundry. You want me to listen to you and not ask questions. You want me to agree with you, you want unconditional support. These behaviour patterns are in line with a traditional marriage. And here is the thing _____, it is ok for you to want those things. Wanting them does not make you a bad person.

The problem is that I don’t want to do these things and trying to make myself into this person for you has not helped the situation, it has only made it worse.

Now this is not solely your responsibility. As ------- pointed out to me, you could have asked me to do something until you are blue in the face, that doesn’t mean that I have to do it. I have put myself in this role, because I did not feel worthy of being loved or liked. I made you my world, the sole focus of my attentions. Because looking outside myself just reminded me of how much of a failure I was. It became easy to avoid my life, in which there seemed to be nothing to celebrate, and focus what little positivity I had on you.

Over the past year I have been trying to slowly put myself back together again. I have realised that I do not fit in that picture, I cannot go through my life as only your balcony person celebrating you. Because in supporting you I have validated myself by feeling needed. This is co-dependency. I enable you and you enable me.

So while I have given you all of myself, I have in actuality avoided myself. I need to learn to love myself first.

I am now aware of my needs as far as a relationship goes.

I want to be cherished, I want to be adored, I want to be appreciated, I want to be treasured. I want to be respected. I want to be valued. I want to be loved. I want all that I give to my partner to be not only appreciated but reciprocated. And I have not felt this way our my relationship with you.

To me a relationship is not just love, it is a choice to commit to someone. A choice to be with them for what you can bring to the relationship not only what you receive from it. I believe that you love me. But love is not enough to sustain a relationship.

I have battled for years for this relationship. And as much as I try to change things and improve them. Nothing ever really seems to get better for long. Nothing ever really changes. I don’t know how to fix it anymore. I can’t fix it anymore.

Neither of our wants are wrong. The problem as I have come to see it, is that our conflict is centred around trying to make the other person into something that they are not. Which is not fair to ourselves or the other person. It also means that we are both not getting what we want and need out of a relationship.

At this point I’m tired of the fighting, I can’t wait for you to heal yourself, I can’t handle you threatening me standing over me with that look of rage I your eyes one more time I just can’t do it.

I believe you will be able to work through it, if you choose to. I just can’t do it with you. And it kills me because I love you so much and I want nothing more than for you to be happy, for you to see the wonderful man that I see, to see you flourish. But I can’t walk on this path with you any-more.

And in my head I feel like I failed. That I failed myself. That I failed you. That I failed our relationship. We had plans you and I, plans for the future. And it hurts that it will not happen.I grieve for that lost future, I grieve for us. I grieve for you, and I grieve for me.

You should not have to feel small in relationship. And I know that is how I make you feel and how you make me feel.

We are two puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit. And in trying make us fit we are only damaging ourselves and each-other.

So with that being said, you told me that you would wait for me until I told you not to wait anymore. I don’t won’t you to wait anymore. I want you to consider our separation permeant.

I wish I got to be the one beside you who gets to see you when you finally realise the potential you have, and how you will flourish. But it is not in the cards. And that kills me. But maybe some time from now after we have both worked on ourselves we can be friends. And we can once again play some board games and talk about the psychology of batman.