Advice

I have been in a relationship for 3 years. It has been on and off a lot. Back in 2016 I lost my first cousin so that immediately hit home. A few months later my older brother developed a mental illness over the loss and was electrocuted. Losing him has changed me drastically and I began to shut down, My boyfriend tried to be there but we were 17 ate he’s never lost anybody so he didn’t really know how to be of best comfort and support but he tried. I found myself not wanting to sleep home because it was depressing i didn’t wanna feel alone and i couldn’t sleep by my boyfriend because his dad wouldn’t allow us to.

.soo I’d go by a close friend of the family and sleep there . But in the midst of all of this going on that close family member was a friend to me i knew him for years . He would let me talk about my big brother all night and he would find the most comforting words, he would compliment me and stress how he love me and he is here for me. A little time went by and it was all casual but one night we stayed up until sunrise just talking about life and we could relate so well. Then he made a lil confession that he always liked me and i told him i had a crush on him when we were much younger. ( That’s where it began ) He always tried to kiss and rub on me, and one night i let him and it felt different. It was intense and it felt I didn’t think twice about the consequences.

We eventually had sex, but we didn’t finish because it felt weird and uncomfortable and I carried that guilt on for months. I told him i couldn’t ever do that again because it wasn’t right. He use to beg me to come see him. It was wrong of me for doing this but i was lost myself, i didn’t know how to cope. I was hurt i had become numb. So me and my boyfriend went on a break, and somehow me and that guy started back talking and we had sex again. I noticed he was becoming very affectionate with me , he told me that he liked me and i told him i didn’t like him in a romantic way. I went to him because I was uncertain i wanted a real relationship because there were so many absences in my boyfriend whom i had broken up with (Rick) that it was good to feel wanted and needed.

I hooked up with him maybe 1 or 2 times after that when Rick and i would break up. Eventually he found out and told me he didn’t wanna see me. About a week it two after our break up i asked to talk to him. He allowed me to. He was being harsh and all, ya know. I accepted all the foul treatment because i felt like i owed it to him. Then we got into it cuse he was saying he still wanted me but it will take time . I went in his phone and saw him with a girl, he went to eat her pussy . I guess to make himself feel better. But he broke it off with her because he was still in love with me. Then months on months after we were on and off. He told his whole family my part, i guess his mom hate me now idk. But it has been a year since that all happened and over this year I’ve learned a lot. I started praying more. We even got baptized together. Ever since i realized i hurt him and i was only thinking about my self. He still tells me hurtful words and we are both unhappy but still love each other. I’m scared of letting him go and i think he’s scared also. Idk . How do i mend this. I’ve dealt with bad anxiety and stress i had to drop out school because i couldn’t study . I’ve been asking god to take my life. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me i just want him to know where it come from.

Regardless of where god takes me i won’t ever do that again. Being the monster to someone’s life is something i have to live with,i want him but he seems so undecided of me and he beat me down about it pretty often. He’s learning to go on with it but over time he snaps and we are always right back where we started. I genuinely wanna fix this because in my heart this is where i belong. I just don’t know how . He’s nice on days we do everything together but we also have bad days. I just want him to be happy and to find that for myself . I hate myself for this shit .