He’s perfect, but not what I want anymore...

Have any of you ever gone through this?

Back story: I met my boyfriend about 4 years ago. He was working where my dad was working, but completely different positions. My dad was a dispatcher for paramedics and he dispatched where my boyfriend would drive one of their vans. Not a paramedic but a van driver (if it’s the correct term). We met on Tinder (romantic, right?!)

It wasn’t love at first sight. In fact, the moment we met, I was sure that neither of us would like each other because he just “wasn’t my type”... We made it quite obvious that we didn’t like each other. I was even brave enough to text him and let him know where I stood. But still, we remained friends and texted day and night. He had a sense of humor and he could make me laugh out loud from reading a simple text.

May 10, 2016, we decided to start dating. I don’t know what made us change our minds about each other. Maybe it was because I liked the way he made me laugh. Maybe it was because we had nothing to lose by trying. I don’t know what it was, but we had a great relationship for about 5 months, then I ended it.

He got mad and we didn’t talk for about a month and then I started to realize that I needed him in my life. We went from talking every day for a whole year to just nothing. And I felt empty. So around December of 2016, we decided to get back together and this time it stuck. Until this very day.

Ill start by saying I love him with all my heart. He’s better than any boyfriend I ever had. He listens to me. We don’t fight (which is kind of odd, but it works for us). When we do get mad, we let each other know it’s not about the other person. He explains himself to me time and time again. He’s literally perfect for me.

But here I am doubting everything. I can’t say I’ve had a change of heart because I don’t know what it is. I still love him. But I feel like we want totally different things in life. There are things that we both want, like being parents one day. But there are things that I want that I know I’ll never get if I’m with him. One of them is (and I know it’s something a little petty), but I always wanted to have a relationship with someone who went to the gym with me to better out lives. I want someone who pushes me to be better. But he tells me I’m perfect the way I am. I know, I know... I shouldn’t be complaining about a guy who simply loves me. But I want someone who can help become a better person. He’s an enabler. I have been struggling with my weight and it’s making me into a miserable person, even with his love.

I can’t explain how I feel completely, but I feel like I’m trapped. I know I can go to the gym by myself, I can better my life and still love him. But things feel different. I feel like I need to be alone and it’s not because I don’t love him, because I do. It’s just that I want someone to be by my side through weight loss (not an enabler) or if I can’t have that, I want to be alone completely.

Does any of this make sense to anyone? Do I sound stupid?

I don’t know why I feel this way, but there are so many things in life that I want. And I feel like if I’m with him, I can’t have them. I’m not even engaged or close to engagement with him. He doesn’t want engagement right now or even in the near future. He made that clear because his ex basically forced him into an engagement (she even made him buy her a ring)...

There’s just so many things I want to do before I strap myself down. I feel like there is a weight on my chest and it won’t go away until I know I’m alone.

What should I do? Should I end it now so we can both move on from this? Or should I let him know how I feel?