The face of loss: TRIGGER WARNING

TRIGGER TRIGGER!!

As a nurse, I see the beauty of pregnancy, the strength of women, and the true miracle of life night in and night out. Christmas night was especially tough for me, though. Over 4 months along myself, we got a call from the ED that a woman was delivering. No other information given. I literally ran down the stairs and down the hall, our “oh sh*t” delivery bucket in hand. By the time I get down there, EMS is barely getting her into the triage bay when I see this tiny human already lying on the stretcher, still attached to his mom. This perfectly formed 20 weeker, too small for the world and yet already outside his perfect home. As our neonatologist joins me, she asked the question I should have in the chaos: how old is this baby? And don’t tell me 5 months. Once we find out the gestational age, all our attempts at resuscitation stop as those awful words were uttered: non viable. Not a pound in weight, barely 10 inches long. My heart sinks as I immediately submit to her request- give baby to mom, there’s nothing we can do. I can see this poor woman’s entire world collapse as I hand her her tiny baby boy, and my heart throbs with her pain.

I can’t tell how many times I wanted to do nothing but break down and cry with this poor set of parents, my heart absolutely bleeds for them! I tried my very hardest to hold in my own tears to allow them their time to grieve and feel their own pain. I can only hope and pray that God grants them peace and healing, and blesses them again as soon as they are ready. I went home and prayed for my own little one, begging him to stay in there as long as possible, thinking about how he would look if he came before his time. I can’t imagine this family’s pain, but seeing it firsthand gives me a unique understanding of how fragile life is and makes me appreciate my own journey even more.

I pray that all those currently expecting deliver safe, beautiful babies; I pray for healing for those who have had the misfortune to experience a loss like this; and I pray for those waiting for their miracles to never experience this at all. Best to everyone, always.