I feel so alone all the time. I’ve already deleted this several times from fear that I’d sound stupid. I’ve never been a very open person. I like to bottle how I feel and hold in every tear and comment till when one day I can’t. I used to be super open when I was young and for the past 7 or so years I find myself not able too. Ive found that it’s easier to be partially isolated than involved. If you’re involved you regret it. 2 of 3 of my friends are super open. They’ll tell me the truth to ALMOST ANYTHING if I ask. And I love them for that but I don’t understand how they do it. When I try I feel so ashamed and nervous and I want to die (most of the time metaphorically). And then my other friend is so much like me it’s kind of creepy. She’s not open like at all. Over the years she’s become more accustomed to being open while I haven’t. I envy her for it. But she still understands my feeling of not wanting to be open. My mom brought it up for the first time a few days ago. I didn’t know how to react she begged me to be open with someone older and not my friends. I told her a joke hoping we could forget she said it. And she just looked at me slightly disappointed. I felt bad if coarse. I love her and I know she was trying to help. I just don’t respond to that kind of thing. I love making jokes out of serious situations, it makes me feel comfortable. At this point nothing affects me right now. Nothing matters, I just want. To lay in bed and never get out. This post is pointless. School is pointless. Everything is so pointless right now. So I’m sorry mom, I know you think there’s something wrong but everything’s fine. This is just how I am.