Lost and Confused

Hello, I'm in this group because I can't afford a therapist and I can't talk about my feelings with anyone without feeling like I want to kill myself. I think/believe well I don't even know what's going on with me anymore, sometimes I feel like I am in control of my life and other time times I feel like there are people in my head taking turns on how to live my life, I know I sound crazy but I really think I have a personality disorder which causes my anxiety attacks and eventually lead to depression which I can't control, I find myself crying about things I've done, when I take a strong look at my past I can see the things I did but I never had control over, most of them make me sick to my stomach and others make me want to scream, but most of the time I just wish I was dead. I am writing here because it's 11:19pm and I can't sleep because I think too much I took 2 pills to fall asleep and I'm wide awake, if anyone knows something that can help me find peace beside death please help me.