Beyond depressed but Leary of meds while nursing

So I am seriously at my breaking point. Even not pregnant and/or nursing I am diagnosed with depression and panic anxiety disorder. Now I am on my 2nd baby in less than 2 years (my oldest son is 18 months and my youngest 12 weeks). I have been off antidepressants for 3 years and everyone wants me to go back on because I am spiraling, I am a failure as a wife, mom, failure at working, my house is falling apart and I am crying all the time. I cannot even handle the baby crying or my husband being my husband. But we do not use contraception for various reasons, and I am terrified of being on an antidepressant if I get pregnant again. Plus I am nursing and while I know some are safe for nursing I am just confused and so stressed and frankly lost