RELATIONSHIP HELP

ok so me and this guy (Alex) ok so we hung out all last summer and ended up dating for a few months. well thing happened at home and he was really depressed and still is since september. i was trying to be there for him but he kept pushing me away and it was becoming toxic. i took him to hoco and he cheated on me with this girl (Sara) and we ended it that night. he’s been a total bitch since then and we haven’t hardly talked. he was my first love (and still is) and my first heartbreak. i remember every single memory and date we had. butttt. he texted me yesterday being all nice and wanting to be friends (apologizing for being a bitch) and i’m like sure why not. i moved on and i’m doing better and i don’t have any hurt feelings towards him anymore. so we ended up hanging out tonight and riding around. i was hesitant at first but all was going great. we around for like a hour and talked about a lot of things. turns out he got his heart broke saturday by the girl who he cheated on me with. and i’m like ok serves you right. now u know how it feels. but i realized he was actually hurting and we ended up just sitting in the car and talking even more. we started talking about what happened with his family and i started crying and he was begging me to stop. i realized how much i missed everything and how i wanted it all back. but i knew it was too soon. so anyways he took me home and he left (so i thought). i was at my barn and i turned out the lights and he’s standing beside me. SCARED THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME. but he pulled over and jumped and creak so he could give me a hug. so he went to leave and i accidentally said love you. and i’m like i didn’t mean to say it. i say it to everyone. and he KISSED ME. LIKE WTF. IM TRYING TO MOVE ON AND YOU KISS ME??? i told him not to do it unless he felt something and all he kept saying was sorry and he was trying to apologize and that was his way🙄🙄 he kept saying he just wanted to be friends but kept asking for hugs and it just like ok. i miss our hugs. and he said he missed everything. and i’m like you have no idea. i haven’t kissed or even hugged a boy since we broke up in Oct. we ended up making out for like 10 minutes straight. i kept telling him to leave and he just wouldn’t. i wanted him and he wanted me. so i was just like fuck it. then he said he wanted to be FWB and i said no but he kept kissing me. he finally left. but the point is i gave this boy my fucking world. he was my world. and now idk what to do. i’m scared i’m going to get hurt again but i think i’m catching feelings and i just want to cry.