4 years later and I still feel this way

When I was a senior in high school, I fell in love in the spring of 2015 with a guy who graduated a year before. I didn't know I had fell for him at the time, but as we spent the whole summer together going to the movies, chilling at my place and his, going to the carnival and always laughing, it hit me one night. We were taking a nap together and I kept thinking I love you over and over and when he took me home he asked me if I loved him. He said I kept whispering 'I love you' when we were asleep and I was so embarrassed. I just easily said no, no that's my way of just saying I like you a lot, because there's no endearing way of saying 'I like you' like when people get to say 'i love you'. He accepted the excuse and that's when I fell in love.

Fast forward to mid July, he seemed off for a while. Like he wasn't as happy anymore. I asked him what was wrong. He broke things off with us, confessing that he still had feelings for his ex. This was the first time I saw him shed a few tears. But this was his first time seeing me break down. I cried in my living room on my couch, hunched over, hiding my ugly crying face. He hugged me to try to comfort me. Once I was done he told me that he cared a lot about me and that we could still be friends. I couldn't really hear much else because my mind and my heart were in a whirlwind of emotions. He left and I believed I began to cry that whole day. I kept in contact with him for a week after that but then told him I just couldn't because it hurt too much. I told him I'd let him know when I want to start talking again. This was the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life, and I can still say that.

A few months later, around new years of 2016 and until Sept. 2016, we saw each other intimately on and off, seeing as his relationship with his ex was on and off. I didn't care that I wasn't his girlfriend, all I cared about was that he was paying attention to me and coming over to see me and holding me like he used to and kissing me like he used to. I got to replay that summer over and over again whenever we were back on. It wasn't the same, but it was all I needed.

I got into a relationship in September 2016 so we couldn't see each other anymore. I didn't speak to him either, until mid December 2017. In early December of 2017, I tried to end my life due to severe stress and anxiety and other issues in my life, and also because I had been secretly struggling with depression since I was in 7th grade. I reached out to him because I honestly wanted someone to be able to talk to and hang out with. And he was very caring and listened to what I had to say. We met up maybe a week after texting and calling, and went to the mall to shop for some last minute Christmas gifts. We ended up making out and holding hands on the drive back to drop me off. After that there were two times that we had gotten intimate and I shouldn't have but it reminded me of the past. I wanted to be with him forever.

The next month I broke off my relationship with my boyfriend, I had of course felt like total shit and didn't want to carry on while being with him. I hurt him so terribly and for the first time, I could see that he was me, and I was my first love. It crushed me.

In May 2018, a week before my birthday, I reached out to my first love, who I hadn't been able to get in contact with for months. I finally got a hold of him and he talked about how he was going through a lot in his life at the time and that he was sorry that I wasn't able to reach him. He needed time away from everyone. I understood. I told him how back in March I went inpatient again unfortunately, but that a lot of stress has finally disappeared since I graduated college.

I believe we met up later that day. We went out for ice cream and went to the bowling alley to play some arcade games. We then went back to my place and played video games, and then we got intimate. I knew it would be the last time that I would see him. I waited to see if he would come over on my birthday, also the day before I moved far away out of the state. But he never did.

After I moved, I tried to reach out to him again because I had a weird dream about me and him that worried me and I got ahold of him. After talking he said he would be in my state in a month from then and said he could come by if I wanted. I was so happy. But a month passed and a little more time went by and by the time he decided to come down, I had already unintentionally gotten a boyfriend.

I always feel like I wonder what would've been if we met up. Because I planned on asking him if we could start all over. If we could start dating again. That I want to be a part of his life and that I want to try and understand every little thing about him. But I never got that chance.

I think it was a good thing that I didn't get the chance. At this point, even though I had these deep feelings for him, I wanted them to go away. I wanted to hate him, to be repulsed by his face. I knew that every time he entered my life it was toxic to me, my emotional health. But I couldn't and I felt so weak.

So now fast forward to present day.

He met a beautiful girl and she already had a young daughter.

Within months of them being together, they got married.

I was happy for him when I saw the photos. But I was also crushed because I so desperately wanted that to be me.

But the toxic chain was finally broken. And with my current boyfriend I already know that I love him and am in love with him. This in love is different than the in love I felt for my first love. I thought that was a bad thing for the longest time, but I've finally realized that you're not going to feel the same exact feeling twice. It will always be different.

I'm able to let go of him and be happy for him, but there's still this cozy place in my heart just for him. I just want this feeling, and his place in my heart, to disappear.

I'm so sorry that this was so long, and to anyone who read the whole thing: thank you so much. It really means a lot to me. I just had to spill this all out. Please don't judge me. Again thank you so much. If you're not with your first love, were you ever able to get over them? If so, how'd you do it?