I grew up always playing with dolls. My mom had to hide them from me when I was 12 because it was becoming weird at that age. I replaced those dolls with fantasies of a real baby one day, and I kept building on these fantasies. The names, the outfits, the love i'll share with it, the life lessons....I had it all planned out by 15 probably. When I got married, I couldn't wait to finally make this dream a reality, so we started trying as soon as we could! Month after month, my period came and I cried, I moved on, I hoped the next one was going to be my month. 5 months later, the second pink line finally came up! Oh man the excitement was unreal! I downloaded every pregnancy app that exists and we told our families that weekend because we just couldn't wait (mind you I hadn't even missed my period yet). Everyone was overjoyed. It's all anyone could talk about and I loved every second of it.

Time finally came for my first appointment at 6 weeks and 4 days. I was so excited to see my baby! The doctor came in and he did an ultrasound, something I waited my whole life to experience, and his face looked confused. My hormone levels and the development of the baby didn't match up, but it's okay for now, he reassured us. I probably just ovulated later than I thought. But I knew exactly when I ovulated.

I spent the entire day crying because I just knew what was going to happen. My family kept reassuring me that nothing is certain and I'm freaking out over nothing because god would never let me lose a child. So I calmed down and waited for my appointment next week to see what's going on. The whole week I was painfully aware of everything going on in my body- my breasts felt dead...they weren't in pain anymore. I was feeling less tired and my weird cravings were slowly disappearing, but I thought maybe my body is just accepting my hormones better now. I walked into that office for my appointment as white as I could be. I was petrified of what I might find out. My husband and I waited an hour for my name to be called, and we finally walked into the room. "Everything is going to be fine, right?" "yes, babe. Everything will be fine" he said. "no, promise me we are keeping this baby" "I promise."

The doctor walked in and got straight to the ultrasound because he saw how anxious I was. I remember watching his face and not taking my eyes off of it. I watched his face fall flat. "I'm so sorry, but this is not a viable pregnancy." I could have sworn he said it in slow motion. The room started spinning as I absorbed those words. I must have asked him a thousand questions before he left the room. We discussed my options and he left the room to give us some time. The second he closed the door behind him, the tears flooded out faster than I though was possible. My husband and I stayed in that room and cried. I couldn't move. All I could do was keep saying "no, this isn't real," over and over again. I cried so hard that day that I could barley open my eyes because of the swelling.

We decided to have a d&c the next day because I couldn't bare the idea of a dead baby inside of me. We woke up early and drove to the hospital. I cried the entire way there. How am I supposed to not be pregnant now? How am I supposed to accept that I will never hold my baby, tell him I love him, teach him how to be an amazing person? But I had plans for him...we were going to be a family...he's..my baby. And he's getting taken out of me today. As we were waiting for the procedure, my husband held my hand the entire time. He cried with me and we said goodbye to our sweet little baby. I just knew it was a boy so I decided I need to give him a name and set him free. His name is Jonathan.

I stayed at home that week. I woke up every morning and for a second, everything was fine. But then I remembered exactly what happened. I felt so empty. My baby isn't growing inside of me anymore. I kept getting notifications from all of those apps I downloaded telling me how far along I am today and what my baby looks like today. They made me hysterical so i deleted every app....just to get email notifications from those apps of the same updates. How do you even get rid of those?! It's like it was haunting me. After crying uncontrollably for a few days, I decided I have 2 choices here: I can either let this destroy me and spend the rest of my life depressed, or I can see this in a positive light and make something beautiful out of it. After all, I do have an angel watching over me which is pretty damn cool. He is always going to be my baby, but he's my angel baby and it's just something I have to accept. Life goes on and I can't waste my limited days crying my eyes out and being depressed over something I will never be able to change. In that moment, I had to make a choice, and I chose to live my best life. I promised myself I would do kinder things in honor of Jonathan so that he can change the world for the better even if he's not here. I always knew i'd have a special baby that makes the world a better place, and I still get to have that, whether he's here or not.

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