SUUUPER insecure.. long post

So I’m 15w6d... I’m soooo annoyed. i used to be a cute, slim/ curvy cheerleader with great legs and clear firm skin.. then I had my daughter and I can’t lose weight like I used to.. now I’m pregnant again and I’ve gained weight, throwing up constantly! My face has gotten so chubby and so has everything else. I have muffin top for dayzzzzzzz, my back is so fat rn.. I did my makeup earlier today and my boyfriend took a picture of me and honestly I cried and took it off because even though the makeup itself was great, I looked at myself and I didn’t feel beautiful. It actually made me feel worse. I put on a dress, and all I could see was my fat and cellulite.

My boyfriend and I went to the store, and as we were about to get off of the car, a very pretty, very fit girl walks by in leggings and a crop top and my boyfriend looked at her and even did a double take, and he noticed that I saw him and all he said “she’s really skinny!” And honestly I’m not a jealous girl. I know boys look just like girls look, but today it just really hit hard. (He’s really not a bad guy! We always talk about things like this and we’re never insecure or jealous or possessive! ). Soooooo instead of getting off, I said I suddenly felt really sick and we had to go home right now.

We got home, I took a long hot shower, shaved, put a face mask on, listened to music and Laid down. He took our 2 year old to the park and played for about an hour or two, and he came back and we talked. I told him about how insecure I felt about my face and body, he said I was beautiful and he loved me and my body is changing because of these beautiful babies we have.. but that if I want to truly feel good about myself, I need to take better care of myself. I need to eat healthier and move around more, like I used to and that I need to do it for me and not for him or anyone else.. which is perfect and probably exactly what I needed to hear. But now I just can’t shake this feeling of insecurity.

Like I have no reason to be suspicious of him, he’s always been very honest, loving, reassuring, faithful, and open.. but I honest just want to look through his phone and find out things that I probably don’t even want to know.. probably something that doesn’t even exist..

I feel like I’m going crazy and he doesn’t deserve to be doubted but I just doubt myself soooooo much it’s ridiculous.

Anyways, sorry for the long post.. I just don’t have anyone else to really talk to.