Boyfriend watches cam girls?

Hi, I’m not really sure how to start this but I’ll try to be as thorough as I can. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months (anniversary on the 30th) and I’m 18 and he’s 19. While we were fresh in our relationship he told me about how his ex’s wouldn’t let him watch porn, I told him that I don’t have a problem with porn but I have a problem with watching cams. I know that everyone feels different about cams and porn and everything but I don’t like the interactive chat aspect of cams because there is an immediate person doing or reacting to the chat. Now, no shame to the people who cam, I respect it and I don’t blame them at all. He agreed with me and we kept going in our relationship.

He took my virginity a couple months into our relationship and it wasn’t “great” but I’m glad it was him, and since then we’ve progressed sexually and started to work more on what each other like and having a good time. We go to sex shops together, buy toys together, use them together, and we talk a lot about it.

I didn’t mention this earlier in the post but I come from a background of some light sexual abuse and manipulation from an ex. I used to scream and cry whenever he got too close to being on top of me but we have since worked together and I am totally comfortable with sex with him. Maybe a month after we had sex for the first time he mentioned some kinks (he likes butt plugs but was too ashamed of it and the possible reactions) and I hugged him and worked things like plugs, prostate massagers, even dabbled in pegging. Due to my past I have had some problems acclimating but we were working on it together and making very definite progress.

He had mentioned BDSM and using the whole mistress thing, so we gave it a very tame try but I had some problems doing the things he wanted (hurting his balls, ordering him around, etc) because it’s so beyond out of my personality and comfort zone, but I told him that we could try to incorporate it more and gradually and he said okay.

Now, fast forward a couple months and I was using his laptop for college work while at his house and while holding the back arrow button to jump back a few pages, a very popular camming website showed. I didn’t say anything because I just didn’t even know how to approach it. As the months went on and we’d talk about sexual things the concept of camming came up and I’d ask him if he used it and he said to my face that he didn’t. He blatantly directly lied to me. Last night I mentioned it and he had a whole breakdown and he told me that he wanted to learn more about the mistress thing and he wanted to learn how to make me more comfortable. I asked him if he touched himself to it and he said that he did the first two times but couldn’t get hard after that. He told me that he didn’t tell me because he felt ashamed and gross. I was crying and so incredibly upset, I just don’t like that he blatantly lied to my face. I asked him if he sent them money and he said he never did and that he hasn’t watched it in over a month and that he deleted his account. He has become my only sense of actual comfort and I’m so beyond heartbroken. I’m upset that he lied to me and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this and I’m so sorry that this is so drawn out and I would appreciate any advice or opinions or anything. I’m still with him at this point and besides this our relationship was really good but I just don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you so much for reading this.