Future. Marriage? - Way too many thoughts!

This may get confusing as these thoughts are going around and around in my head & I have to get it out.

I built a house before meeting my S/O but have not done much with the yard because it costs money I don’t have. My partner will be 30 on 9 July and I will be 28 come October we both have discussed wanting to be settled and start TTC in 2 years. We have been together a year now but want more time with just us.

My S/O came up with a plan for the yard last night which is great but then I brought up that this is a long term project that would require savings from both of us. I said I felt like if we were to join finances id be more comfortable doing so if I knew we were going to be married someday.

I explained that marriage was important to me and wanting that promise of commitment.

My S/Os folks never got married but have been together for 40 years next year. Thus my partner does not think a marriage is a necessity. He believes he has already promised commitment by planning a future together and wanting me to have his babies. That those things are more important than “putting on a show & saying a few words in front of people”. He did say since it is important to me that he will consider it and it is a maybe we could have a court house wedding.

⚠️ What is sort of flashing in my mind though is something my S/Os mum confessed to me a few months ago. She said 4 years ago her partner (S/O’s dad) went through a period of depression and what came out of that was he did not love my S/O’s mother anymore but wanted her in his life still since they been together so long. I asked why she stayed and she said because she loves their lifestyle which is road trips & camping. However my partners dad has changed his beneficiaries on his super to the kids leaving her with nothing My S/O knows his dad did this but not the reason why. They are still affectionate with each other, hugs etc. The thing is this is a secret my S/O and his sister don’t know about any of this and I absolutely hate that I do know. I haven’t told my S/O as I truely don’t think it is my place to tell him but since we are having the discussion about marriage his example is his parents and sometimes I want to tell him what his mum said to me but I don’t think that is the right thing to do and may come off as manipulative, ugh I wish I didn’t know 🥺. Maybe I’m comparing and I shouldn’t do that ⚠️

I am trying to decide whether getting married is a dealbreaker for me still. This man is caring, generous and playful, I adore him and I know I will be happy with him for the rest of my life either way. And besides marriage has no guarantee of lasting and is just a little harder to get out of.

I have always wanted to be married but I guess in my dream I always thought there would be a ring and a white dress and a party. I don’t want anything big or ostentatious just a backyard celebration of us and knowing that we have created a family and I guess bonded our lives together in an official/symbolic type of way.

There is also those important questions that need to be answered like if either of us are on life support generally it is up to the spouse and with no spouse next of kin unless there is a POA put in place. Or if we did have children and he did pass then what would become of his finances since I would still have to raise the kids. I mean if we weren’t to get married these are all important discussions to have and a plan set in place. I thought it would be what mine is yours and vice versa but what if that isn’t how my S/O is thinking.

I didn’t voice these things last night as it was just a conversation that popped up and neither of us were prepared for. Plus I could feel myself getting emotional about never getting married so I stopped the convo until we could get our thoughts in order. I truly feel like we should come to some understanding now before we have kids or start investments together though.

Sorry for the long post I guess I just wanted to know who else has been through these compromises and discussions and how’d you come out the other side. What are your thoughts am I over thinking & getting too tied down into the nitty gritty of it all?