Body image rant

I have never felt “beautiful”. Ever since I could remember I have always felt that I wasn’t as attractive as my classmates and that I kinda stuck out for being taller and uglier. In elementary school, I always felt that I was fat. I was very athletic when I was younger and I was always bigger than most girls in my classes. Once I reached middle school I became anorexic and lost a significant amount of weight. It got to the point where my mom took me to the doctor because I was so thin. I got bullied in middle school for being so thin and not having an ass or boobs, so when I reached high school I decided to gain some weight. Looking back now, I guess my body was that of a normal teenage girl in high school, but in the moment I always either felt too fat, or too skinny. It’s a really weird for other to comprehend when I try to explain, but yeah now I’m in college and I feel like I’m way too fat. Rationally, I recognize that I am not over weight, rather I just don’t have the perfect model body. Which is not something I should be ashamed of, but I am ashamed of. I want to have the perfect body even tho I know that’s not realistic, but my mind wants to go back to when I was in middle school and was anorexic for three years just to be able to feel like I can look good and be accepted. I have never once felt that I was attractive. I have never felt good about myself and that really stinks cos I wanna feel confident and attractive in my own skin but my mind always points out flaws and makes me believe no one will ever accept me if I look the way I do :/