My uterus ruptured....

I haven’t been able to share this story because I tear up every time I try. But I’m going y try tonight. Even if it means wiping tears as I type ok.

I prayed for this baby and was SO excited to be pregnant. Beforehand i prayed in the shower every day I prayed before bed at night. I imagined myself pregnant. I took extra care of my body to prepare and well ....

Then we found out it was a girl ! And I couldn’t stop smiling ! It felt like a dream come true after already having a son.

During my pregnancy everything seemed to go well. Like everyone else I counted the days and the weeks and honestly the hours and minutes. I couldn’t wait to meet her ! I was going for a VBAC and kept telling myself finally I’d have the birth I wanted. I even took maternity photos something I never got to do with my son

Then as I got closer to my due date my doctors started pressuring me to have a repeat c section but I was determined to at least try for a VBAC so on the morning of my due date I got acupuncture and I went into labor. The contractions felt very strong. Sharp even. And I couldn’t withstand the pain but I didn’t know yet my pain wasn’t normal. I had gone into labor Saturday and by Monday morning I knew something was terribly wrong

My best friend and acting doula held my hand and as I felt myself being torn from the inside out and my life literally leaving my body - I looked in her eyes and with incredible pain fear and sadness I begged for a c section

The surgery took nearly three hours. I knew something was wrong but no one would tell me. I watched every minute slip by on the big digital clock. I kept looking over at my baby anxious to hold her and she quietly stared back at me. Not crying. Just staring. Waiting with me.

In the OR they told me I ruptured. They told me it was dangerous to have more kids. They told me my baby had almost died but her back plugged the hole. They told me I almost died. They said it was probably from the pressure of the contractions and my pushing when I shouldn’t have. And I couldn’t I can’t stop blaming myself for this. How could I do this to us to her to my other child my parents my husband. I felt like a failure. I feel like I failed. As I took my sweet baby home I felt immeasurable loss that I couldn’t explain. No one understood.

Today my baby is happy healthy smart reaching every milestone and I couldn’t be prouder but.... I relive that birth sometimes like tonight and I want to scream I want to fall into a ball and be alone. I want to hide from the Shame I feel. I want to deny this feeling of failure and loss. I want those feelings to stop.

I pray that one day those memories won’t throw me into a deep depression. I hope I can come to terms with possibly having no more children. At 28 I never thought I’d be done I never thought I’d have to make this choice now but it feels selfish to want to have more babies after this especially as it’s left my body falling apart. I have a hernia now that pops out whenever and is excruciatingly painful when it does. I have two amazing kids I should just be grateful

And I am. I still have so many unanswered questions and I often feel so alone in this. How many people rupture during labor ? Not many. Less than 1% so I count my blessings we’re all “ok” relatively speaking though because I’m still healing everyday. I just hope if anyone else has been through this they know they aren’t alone.

One last photo of my beautiful girl

EDIT TO ADD:

I’ve read all your comments. I’ve cried. I’m smiled and felt so moved and loved. I may not comment back or engage mostly because I want to remain anonymous but I am reading what you all have written. I’m beyond grateful for this community. THANK YOU for showing me my own strength and encouraging me to get help via therapy.

And hopefully I can feel more joy than loss in two days when she turns 4 months (!)