I think I was raped...

The day before Thanksgiving 2 years ago something happened to me that changed my life.

To give you some back story, “Paul” & I have known each other our whole lives. Our parents were super close friends & we called each other cousins even though we’re not actually related. People figured out we weren’t actually related by like age 10 so we stopped calling each other that then. So anyway it was nothing for me to take off & go hang out with “Paul” or for him to come over & not go home till 2-3am & vice versa.

When I was 18 he was 23. Somehow, to this day I don’t even know what initiated it, we ended up having sex. After that it happened again & about 6 more times before Thanksgiving that same year.

The day before Thanksgiving around 9pm, “Paul” called me & said it was an emergency - he was having a hard time with his depression & he was picking me up. I told my dad what was going on & he let me go with “Paul”. I got in the car & he just started talking about how he was getting depressed again. I didn’t notice we were in the middle of nowhere until it was too late. I knew where we were. It was about 7 miles from my house, but a good 5 miles of that was all woods down a very dark dirt road. 2 miles of that was a walking path to the beach. It was a beach that only a few people knew about.

He started unzipping his pants & I told him I wasn’t in the mood. I was tired from babysitting my sisters 4 kids that day. He didn’t stop. I told him no that I didn’t feel like it & that I didn’t want to have sex 4 more times. The whole time he’s trying to take my pants off. I told him I didn’t want to.

“Paul” said if I didn’t then he was going to take my phone & leave me there in the woods to walk home in the dark. He knew I was still scared of the dark. Especially in that area, there were a lot of coyotes in that area that’s why I wasn’t allowed down there at night.

I told him he wouldn’t do that to me. He snatched my phone & threw it in the backseat. He got out of the car & pulled me out of the passengers seat. He said “try me - I’ll leave you here.” & he tried taking off my pants again. This time I didn’t stop him. He opened the hatchback of his SUV & shoved me face first into it. He... took me from behind. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. My whole body just froze & I felt like I wasn’t even in my body anymore.

He didn’t hold me down. He didn’t threaten me with a knife or a gun. I don’t know if this counts. That’s why I never said anything. Even when he took me home. He gave me back my phone. He walked me into my house like it never happened. He said goodnight to my dad. I went straight to my room.

The day after he messaged me like nothing happened. He never mentioned it. For the longest time I thought I had just imagined it. But the whole scenario was just playing on repeat in my head. I just pushed everything out of my head. I ignored it. I tried to forget... I was doing really good until yesterday.

Someone came into my work yesterday & they were wearing his cologne. I had the biggest panic attack I’ve ever had in my whole life. I had to go home early I was so upset. Ever since then I just can’t get it out of my head. I’m having dreams about it again. They’re so vivid & I feel like I’m right back in that moment again.

I never told anyone because I don’t know if it counts. I told him no at first but I didn’t say no when he was doing things to me. He didn’t hold me down or threaten me with a weapon.

Does this count? What happened to me?