Sooooo I don’t know where to begin.

The summer graduating high school in2016, I got together with my first boyfriend.

So, quick background of who I am. I am a very quiet and shy person. In high school and even to this day, I would always sit in the back of the class minding my own business. I went to a small school so everyone knew each other. In high school, I was pretty independent and never really had an interest in dating. I’ve had a couple of guys ask me out but I would always say no, for a simple reason, I never truly had feelings for someone and I wouldn’t ever want a relationship to be one sided just for the sake of being in a relationship.

In high school, I had a crush on this guy but it was never really serious and we were just good friends. After graduating, this guy became my first real boyfriend. After being independent most of my life, it was strange that I quick grew dependent on this one guy. He was my best friend. We did almost everything together.

I wouldn’t say our relationship was perfect but anyone could easily tell that we were really into each other. Although, we were pretty much opposites, we got along really well and had a strong communication. We never fought, yes we had arguments, but there wasn’t a day where we would go to bed angry at each other or without saying ‘i love you’. This guy was my best friend, my rock. He was the only person who I told everything to and he has helped me so much with my depression episodes. He has seen me at my worst and at my best and and throughout our whole relationship we never left the ‘honeymoon stage’.

3rd year of college 2018 fall semester. He decided to go study abroad. (we didn’t go to the same colleges) I was supportive and happy for him. Of course I was sad that he was leaving and dreaded the day that he had to leave. The place he decided to go didn’t have wifi where he lived but it did on campus. We went from talking everyday to talking about 4-6 hours every week and I quickly realized something.

After being with this guy for more than 2 years, I quickly became dependent on him. I didn’t realized this until I no longer had him physically with me. I realized that he was the only person I would talk to and 90% of the time I went out, it was with him. (the other 10% is family and friends). When he left I quickly realized, I was alone. When he was gone, it took me about 1.5-2 months to finally go out with friends. It took so long because all my friends go to different colleges that’s about 1-2 hours away and they have busy schedules so it’s understandable that we cannot hang out all the time; and, have to pick a day that we are all available. But once they go back to their busy schedule, I was alone again.

Every time my boyfriend and I would talk, we tried making the most of it, but of course 75% of the time it was us complaining about how horrible the wifi was. Then after those 4-6 hours of the week were up, i was lonely again. I would spend hours crying and I would try to distract myself with anything so I wouldn’t have to constantly be feeling sad. But around November, it was when it hit me the worse. I completely stopped eating. To put into perspective, I went from weighing 125 to 114 in about three weeks just from not eating.

Throughout the whole time he was studying abroad, there was a constant thought I couldn’t get out of my head. How did I become so dependent on someone? Why did I need someone to make me happy? Why couldn’t I be content being myself? Why do I put so much pressure on someone to make me feel better? Why did i rely so much on someone to make me happy and why couldn’t I do that for myself? and this is when I came up with the most stupidest decision on my life. I decided to break up with the love of my life.

After he came back from studying abroad, we met up and I told him all my thoughts and feeling. I let him know that I need to figure myself out, most importantly, I needed to be happy and fully accept myself before I can let anyone else love me. I needed to learn to love myself. And in my head I thought it was best to do it alone. After a few hours of crying, and although he didn’t agree with my decision, he was super supportive and we parted ways. 2019 was going to be the year I find myself.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, after of 7 months of not speaking to each other we finally decided to meet up and catch up. It was a little awkward but we quickly talked about everything that has happened. We cracked jokes, we laughed, everything felt right. After seeing each other for about 3 hours, the day came to an end. We hugged goodbye but then we ended up talking a little bit more in the parking lot and he then asked for another hug and this one lasted what felt like forever. Tears started rolling down my face. He asked if I was okay and I obviously tried playing it off and said I was fine. He looked at me and told me “It’s okay to not be okay.” and then we officially said goodbye and we awkwardly walked away to our cars.

Let me tell you, if I could take back that break up you bet I would. I miss him so much, but I didn’t deserve him. His love was so selfless and I was too blind to see it. I was so stupid that I didn’t see or I simply took for granted all the little stuff he would do to make me happy. Not only did I lose the love of my life, I also lost my best friend. And I wish nothing but happiness for him. He deserves the whole world and I hope one day he finds someone that treats him like the king he is. I will never stop loving him. He is perfect in my eyes.

& that’s the story on how I became the world’s dumbest person.