Consensual cheating

*Fake names in this only*

There’s going to be judgement from a lot of you but it is what it is. It happened and I can’t take it back no matter how much I hate myself for it and want nothing more.

Long long story short:

I was talking to this guy named Emilio and we talked for about 3 months and he always asked to make it official but I wanted to grow closer first, we were sexually active tho, Dec came around and he was sent to jail, facing 2 years for driving without license, he got in a fender bender and it was a probation violation, two days after he was locked up, I found out I was pregnant. We immediately made it official.

I still hung out with our friend group when one night, one of the boys asked for a ride home and I said sure. He ended up raping me even with me telling him I was pregnant and I didn’t want to have sex and I actually loved Emilio, he attacked me, abused me that night, worst pain I had went through.

I told Emilio, he was very upset. I started heavy bleeding and my heart shattered. It was later confirmed it was a miscarriage.

I went insane, I started drinking and smoking weed and I did it every single night. I was out of character. I was such an innocent person, didn’t drink or smoke nor party. I had lost myself. I was no longer the same. I was set up by one of the guys I got weed from and he robbed me of $300 and I punched him in the stomach telling him to give my money back and that it was messed up. He started chocking me and stuff, I freaked out. He said I should stop while I was ahead because nothing I did would hurt him physically or not. Nothing I did would get my money back. But I was tired of guys using me and thinking they could get away with it. So I started hanging out with his younger brother. (Wasn’t actually young). I told him what happened and he said that there was something I could do to fuck with him and I asked what and he said I could fuck him to make his brother mad because they were really close. Then he started kissing me and I freaked out because it was wrong. It was so wrong. He told his brother we kissed and one night at a party, he grabbed me and started threatening me telling me he was going to kill me if I did that again etc. I called his brother and told him. He came and picked me up, we ended up fucking each other. I was very sloppy drunk but I remember we fucked. He told his brother that I was his girl and he had better left me alone from now on out and it worked, he messaged saying if it wasn’t for his brother he would beat my ass and have other girls find me and beat me as well everyday after.

I tried to go to the cops and they said if it escalated then I could do something more.

But I could file restraining order but nothing more.

I felt guilty and guilty. After that I told my boyfriend. We didn’t break up but we weren’t in a good spot. A year later he asks if he can sleep with someone else because he still thinks about what I did and he can’t forgive me. He says he loves me but can’t get past it and he wants to do the same as I did. Thing is, I’m now pregnant with our rainbow baby. I felt hurt he would ask this now after I’m pregnant, but I said yes because I fucked our relationship up. I told him I just wanted to know who and when. He said fine. But now, he says he isntgoing to tell me who. And now everyday I am depressed thinking of who the fuck this girl is that he is talking to. He hung out with her once but didn’t fuck her and I just want to know who. I’m killing myself thinking about this.

How can I tell him that I take it back? If he doesn’t tell me who she is then I don’t want him to fuck her.

*also it makes it hard because we’re about to move in together*

Whenever he drinks he always talks about how he could never hurt me and that he loves me so much. He gets deeper in his feelings.

When he is sober. He tells me the same things but not as much. He is honest and when he doesnt want to tell me something instead of lying he just won’t answer my question. For ex: “Have you already fucked her?” “No.” “Is she prettier than me?” “Definitely not.” “Do you want to really fuck her tho?” “....”